UPJOKE
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Unarmed Jokes

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

I'm afraid to be around unarmed black men.

What if the police miss and shoot me by mistake?

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

Why in the world did a Kenosha, Wisconsin police officer shoot the unarmed Jacob Blake in the back SEVEN TIMES, leaving him paralyzed?

Because he ran out of bullets.

Venus de Milo was pulled over as a suspect in stick-up…

…but she was unarmed.

What does a Chicago Cop say after firing six shots into an unarmed fleeing suspect?

Stop. Police.

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an unarmed black man and an armed robber on the run?

How should I know, I'm just a cop!

Why was I arrested for only 1 year with a $5,000 fine after killing an unarmed African-American man?

On charges of "impersonating a police officer".

Did you hear what the dyslexic man said when the police shot an unarmed programmer?

"They should have just compiled!!!"

In the middle of a bank robbery, a guy with no arms walks right in and says

Dont shoot. Im unarmed.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank...

Because he was unarmed

A patient broke out of an amputation clinic!

Don't worry, hes unarmed

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

Saw a man without arms but has a gun...

So basically he was armed and unarmed at the same time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....

-That's un...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a saloon, you can tell he isn’t a local and looks like an outlaw...

So the bartender stops and asks him if he knows Pepe Lopez, the meanest outlaw around. Well the cowboy takes a shot of his whiskey and says, “do I know pepe Lopez, ha”

I was out in the desert last week minding my own business when Pepe Lopez jumped out of some bushes and surprised me. Now I w...

Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?

They’re always unarmed

Funny joke, I think.

A robber who had no arms tried to rob me, good thing he was unarmed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So two men get drunk together and start beating each other up

After several hours, when every attempt has been made to split the two up, a bystander decides to just cut their arms off to stop all the punching. But then the drunks start kicking the shit out of each other. So the bystander cuts their legs off.
So there they lay, unarmed and defeated.

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

A man tries to punch a wood chipper

He is unarmed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

2 Galdiators are fighting to the death.....

One of the gladiators severs both limbs from his opponent, but instead of giving up the opponent continues fighting by kicking and biting, he then severs both legs from his opponent as well. His opponent finally has to give up being unarmed and defeated.

Gladiator's Monday

A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

Oscar

• Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius


• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

• When Oscar Pistorius sai...

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