The Real Jokes - 75 Hilarious The Real Jokes

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedro...

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

Who's the real enemy of ISIS?

IBRO

The real husband

In King Solomon's court, two men and a woman stood before the king.

\- “This woman is my wife!" said the first man. “I married her 30 years ago!"

\- "No, she's my wife!” said the second man. “I married her 30 years ago, but this man just stole her from me!"

Solomon then turned t...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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The REAL 3 Stages of Married Sex

Tri-weekly.

Try weekly.

Try weakly.

The Real Problem With Kleptomaniacs...

Is That They Take Things Literally

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

The real meaning of happiness

Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.You can't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

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What's the REAL difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler cared about Germany.

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

How do you find the real slim shady?

You ask their opinion on something. The real chokes always in the comments.

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The Real Son Of A Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

...

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

Holland’s kitchen appliance manufacturers are the real heroes

Imagine how hard it must be to sell someone a Dutch oven.

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

The real joke is always in the comments.

I'm counting on you guys.

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

This guy out there asking the real questions

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught...

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

The real difference between Obama and Trump

Obama makes jokes.

Trump is a joke.

The real reason my wife hates when I mansplain

When catch myself accidentally over explaining something to my wife, I turn it into a joke about mansplaining; by first explaining what mansplaining is and then over-explaining what mansplaining is, but she never understands it because she’s a woman.

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The REAL winner of this election is...

WEED!

It may not be funny but I'm laughing my ass off.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

The real reason there's an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to...

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

What is the real life equivalent of speedrunning?

Getting an abortion.

I found out the real reason Johnny Cash only wore black.

So they wouldn't call him Johnny Clash.

The Real Three Bears

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes down stairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It’s empty. "Who’s been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in hi...

The real threat

Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

Whats the real problem of losing a thumb?

You actually lose the middle finger

The real joke is always in the comments.

I sure do damn hope so cause I got nothing to put here.

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The Real reason Hitler took his life,

He got his gas bill.

The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a...

The real Zodiac Killer is...

Cancer.

Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

They say the real joke is in the comments

Come on now go ahead

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

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I found the real life inspiration for the island from Fortnite!

The Virgin Islands

The real enemies are the friends we make along the way

Specially if you are a spy

The real story of armegeddon

It's not well known but the final battle between Jesus and Satan is actually a computer programming battle. Armageddon arrives and the battle begins. Jesus and Satan are both tasked with the most complicated programming task ever given. This is the type of task even Linus Torvalds would declare i...

The real name by which eskimos name themselfs?

I forgot but I swear Inuit earlier.

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What's the real difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer sure doesn't jelly every single FUCKING THING I TRY TO PRINT.

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The real joke

A man was abducted one night by aliens. After the new broke out, US authorities began to contact the aliens using a breakthrough technology. The whole world had eyes on the US government to save the man. After much discussion between the two races, the US government actually pissed off the aliens th...

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he sa...

The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus...

It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

You know who the real victims of this virus are?

Ex cons, just made it out of prison to be put in solitary confinement.

We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight?

Hey, nice belt!

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The real story of Cinderella

Many people don't know the true story, but the fairy godmother told Cinderella that if she did not return from the ball by midnight, her vagina would turn into a pumpkin. So Cinderella left and the fairy godmother waited patiently for her return. Midnight came, no Cinderella. 2am, no Cinderella. Fin...

Are lawyers ever going to do the real thing?

Or are they happy to just "practice" law?

What’s the real definition of a will?

I hear it’s a dead giveaway

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

The real reason not all Costco’s sell ice...

they don’t want to refund every person with a cup of water.

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

What is the real reason behind Bezos's divorce?

Cause marriage counts as a union.

My uncle always told me, "The real treasure, was inside of you the whole time".

As kind as that sounds, he sold organs to the black market for a living.

What is the real argument Flat Earthers are trying to use?

2D, or not 2D? That is the question.

Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. ...

A scientist named Berade cloned himself 76 times. Because of a mutation, the clones were all much more muscular than the real Berade.

One day one of the clones said to his 75 fellow clones, "I'm tired of that weakling bossing us around! He's treating us like servants just because he created us!"

So the clones all picked up Berade and threw him into a pigpen. When Berade landed, a hornet's nest was dislodged, and the hornets...

A young couple consults Jerry Springer to confirm the baby daddy is the real farther.

DNA results:

The good news is... you *are* the father.

The bad news is... you *are also* the uncle.

Do you want to know the real reason I can’t be part of a threesome?

I can only handle disappointing one person at a time.

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

The real reason Roy Moore wanted to be in D.C.

He hasn't been banned from the National Mall

Do you know the real reason Bigfoot is so good at hiding?

...he owes Chuck Norris money

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