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The National Jokes

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

I was on a first date recently and the girl told me she really liked the national emblem of China

I thought, well that’s a red flag.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The cu...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

The National poetry contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the conte...

I wanted to join the National Mens Association

But got rejected because I was born a broad

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What is the national martial art of Israel?

Jew jitsu

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..

***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***

I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

The National Guillotine Convention promoted me

I'm now the head

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

What genre is the National Anthem?

Country Music

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

At the national poetry contest finals,...

The final two contestants were a harvard educated english professor and a redneck from the hills of Alabama. The final task was to write a 4 line poem containing the word timbuktu. Each finalist was given 5 minutes to come up with a poem

After they were given some time to think, the finals ...

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Old lady enters the National Bank's building...

...with a bag full of bank notes and asks to talk with the president of said bank. She says there's a lot of money to talk about, so the employees reluctantly allow the lady to meet with the president. When they meet, he asks the old lady how much money she wants to put in the bank.

"165,000 ...

A reporter asked the president why the National Mint had been shut down

The president paused for a moment, then shrugged and said, “It just made cents.”

Today I won the National Laziness Championship!

What did you win?

Atrophy

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A little old lady walked into the National Bank & Trust... LONG

She walked up to the secretary of the president of the bank and asked to see him. The secretary told the bank president that there was a woman here to see him and he said to send her in.

Bank president says, "Well hello there madam, how may I help you today, do you need help with your acco...

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An old lady walks into the national bank of Canada...

An old lady walks into the national bank of Canada with a large bag full of money and demands to see the CEO of the bank. After many arguments, she set a meeting with the CEO of the bank and goes to see him.

When she gets into has office she claims she has loads of money in cash and that she ...

Do you know what DNA is an acronym for?

The National Dyslexia Association

A Meteorologist working with the National Weather Service goes to his boss...

He says, “Boss, I need a transfer out of Florida. Please send me anywhere but Florida.”

The boss says, “Well, why’s that Bill? What’s wrong with Florida?”

The meteorologist says, “The weather in Florida just doesn’t agree with me.”

Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

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When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called?

Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

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The national nude marathon won by a woman for the twentieth year in a row.

In places 2 - 10 was a group of men with no regrets.

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

I just got banned from the National Zoo for making a parrot giggle...

... its polly tickle correctness gone mad!

The National Council on Psychic Research has officially designated this to be true

The
experience of changing planes in New York now officially counts as a near-death experience

What is the national anthem of South Korea?

Heart and Seoul.

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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for mi...

Thomas finally gave up on his dream of being a champion after always vomiting at the National Spelling Bee

He’d always be known as an expeller now.

I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference.

"Do you know who I am?" I shouted.

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