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The Good Jokes

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

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After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

The good doctor

A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says "$20 and we'll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back."

A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost ...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

The good king

There was once a king whose height was 15 cm. He wasn’t a great leader but he was a good ruler.

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The good brother

A farmer and his wife are sitting out on the porch at the end of the day.

After a couple shots of moonshine, the farmer reaches over and grabs his wife's tit and says,"You know, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

The wife reaches over, grabs the farmer's dick and sa...

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

The Good Old Days

> You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Emo Philips

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The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

What happened to the all of the good chemistry puns?

The best chemistry puns argon.

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The good thing about the Middle Ages was that you could pee and poop anywhere.

The bad thing about the Middle Ages was that everyone could pee and poop anywhere.

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news

Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.

The good ol' cannon

A woman is about to deliver her first baby. While she's in the birthing room, her husband is outside, waiting for the doctor to give him the good news.

After an hour or so, the doctor finally comes out.

«Sir... it's a boy! Healthy and beautiful!»

«OH GOD» says the man, excited f...

this one's for UA - keep on fighting the good fight!

A joke we had in Poland, dating from the times of soviet occupation (post WWII).



A border. A Polish patrol found a cow standing right on the border line, half of the cow in Poland, half on the Russian land. A Russian patrol suddenly appears and they go:

\- Davay palyaki, we spl...

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The good salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked ...

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The good husband

Sheryl Sandberg: My advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. ...

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

After the iceberg collision, the captain of the Titanic gathers the crew and tells them "I have bad news and good news."

"The bad news is that our ship has began to sink.

The good news is that we shall win eleven Academy Awards."

The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter' headquarters into a homeless shelter

The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less

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Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told h...

While on vacation, the warden of a supermax prison gets a phone call from the subordinate he left in charge, who has good news and bad news.

*"The good news is one of the serial killers we had serving multiple life sentences escaped."*

"How is *that* good news??"

*"Well after breaking out he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase that ended when he wrapped the car around a tree at 120 miles an hour. He was killed ...

Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is?

We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting!

I tell bad chemistry jokes because the good ones

Argon

The good news is that they've started shipping the COVID vaccines.

The bad news is that they are shipping them on the 737 MAX.

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I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.

Just. Fucking. Kidding

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The Good Wife

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"P!ss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the w...

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

I miss the good ol days....

I miss the good ol days when couple of celebrities would die and there would be one or two hurricane and that would be considered a bad year

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

What's the good thing about 2020?

Vision

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The good news is my black girlfriend says I have mean dick

The bad news is she's a mathematician.

The good doctor

Dr. Jones was having mixed feeling after having intercourse with a patient. One voice kept saying "follow your heart" another kept saying "remember, you're a vet"

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The good offer

A random guy told her that he got a deal, they will both go to the bathroom he will drop a 100 and she will pick it up, as she picks it up he will get the chance to get a shot on her.

The girl is hesitant goes to her friend and asks for advice. Her friend said you can just grab it quick he w...

What's the good thing with jokes about the brexit?

They will be still relevant in a decade

A journalist friend of mine asked if I wanted to hear the good news or bad news first

Being a pessimist, I chose the bad news.

She said, "Alright, Breitbart and Fox News it is then..."







^(Wasn't sure if anyone's done this joke before but couldn't find anything like it in search function; please don't yell at me if it is a repost)

I'm sorry, sir, we had to remove one of your lungs. The good news though...

Now there's enough room for your liver.

Whats the good thing about being at rock bottom

You can only go up
.
.
.
.
Or can you

All the good stuff is gone

A bartender was closing the bar down for the night when he hears a knock on the back door. He opens the door to a homeless man and asks "How can I help you?" The homeless man asks the bartender if he can have a toothpick. The bartender looks perplexed and says sure. So he gives him a toothpick. The...

I miss the good old times...

when I wassn't alive.

Smoking the good stuff

me: "Dude, NASA faked the moon landing!"

friend: "Wait, u mean-----"

me: "Yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere!"

The good thing about meringues...

...is that they don't scare you when they come back.

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