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Hand Sanitizer Jokes

I don’t get why y’all complain about hand sanitizer only killing 99.9% of germs.

Just take two squirts and it’ll kill 199.8% of the germs on your hand!

"Sorry for the smell, it's hand sanitizer."

"Don't worry, I haven't
been able to smell stuff
for a couple of days
now."

Did you hear about the guy who stole all that hand sanitizer?

They couldn't prosecute, his hands were clean.

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

I was thinking about the man who invented the hand sanitizer gel

He must be rubbing his hands together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the pandemic, I was using hand sanitizer at least five times a day.

But then my dick turned so red that I had to switch back to lotion.

Did you hear that New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID?

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River. That stuff can kill anything.

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

Dear Hand sanitizer

Can’t touch this!

Regards,
%0.000001 germ

My British friend got a job making hand sanitizer

He said it's Purell

Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer

For good clean fun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler was the hand sanitizer of world leaders

He tried to kill 99.9%

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

The best thing about hand sanitizer in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's everyone walking around like they're hatching an evil plan.

A guy walks into a cab and...

asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local grocery store was robbed of almost $10,000

the thieves managed to get away with two containers of lysol wipes, four bottles of hand sanitizer and a package of chicken breasts.

I've been in quarantine for so long

That I'm using shampoo on my pubes.

And hand sanitizer on everything else.

Love in the time of Coronavirus

I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."

She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer."

Coronavirus - Made in China

And so is the the hand sanitizer you will use.

[NSFW] Got sent home from work today...

Apparently, " Give me your cummies, daddy." Is not the work appropriate response to being offered hand sanitizer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the public washroom

2 teenagers stand at the wash basin, 1st teen washed his hands with soap then dries.

2nd teen washes his hands, uses toilet paper then uses hand sanitizer, at the door he says: My dad told me to was hands then use sanitizer after.

Out came a third guy not even washing anything.

...

I always wanted to spend money lavishly.

Never thought it'd be on toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Home Remedies

Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer, my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"



XD This c...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?

Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

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