Props Jokes - 47 Hilarious Props Jokes

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A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

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What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

Props to the rain

It gets all the girls wet

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

What's worse than using your family as political props?

According to my HOA, using them as Halloween props.

You’ve really got to give props to Carrot Top.

And even then he’s not that funny.

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Edit: added “whole”
Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

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The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

As the Ukrainians are fighting back against the Russians...

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One...

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home

As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.

Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.

During Wheel o...

I told my mom i identified as a helicopter.

She said: Props to you.

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

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Explaining politics

From a TikTok video (maker unknown, but props to him!):

I went up to my dad and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question? It's for a school project."

My dad said, "For sure son, what's the question?"

I said, "Dad, what is politics?"

My dad said, "Well, let's use our home as a...

Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.

Props to him

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After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

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A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.

When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, ...

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar.

An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bar tender says

"Sorry pal, last call"

Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first.

"I must have had more than I ...

Gentlemen...BEHOLD! Puns.

What do you call a cool mushroom?...A fun guy!!!

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Acr...

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

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Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers...

Studio apartments are probably the ideal apartments for recording fresh new jams.

Props to the apartment naming committee.

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

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A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a...

On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.

The assistant runs onto set and starts kicking over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.

As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

I just saw a man survive getting hit by a plane wing

Massive props to him.

What are those spinny things that smaller airplanes use to move?

Props to whoever can answer this.

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Two Indian lads go to a party

Two Indian lads get invited to a fancy dress party, the theme is... ‘come as an emotion’

After much thought the lads think they have it sorted and get prepped for the big night. They get naked, grab their props and head down the hall to where the party is at.

The host is letting peopl...

At The Old Peoples Home

A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family. They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left. A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight. A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again. T...

What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland?

Wooden shoe like me to tell you.

[Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one]

Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

The movie director made a good joke

He got props for it

A Jewish man is crossing the street when he's hit by a car

Traffic comes to a stop, the driver gets out of his car and rushes over to where the Jewish man was lying in the road. He called out to everyone who saw the accident: "Someone, call an ambulance! Get him a blanket, a pillow or something!"

He turns back to the Jewish man, who is lying on the g...

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.

A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"

One responds, "We're invading America!"

The agent says, "Just the two of you???"

"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"

-Props to John Cleese

A kid goes to a store to buy his mother a present

So the little boy goes to a store to buy his mother a present. So he goes to the counter and asks if they have any cookies jars? So the clerk grabs down six and hands them to the boy. He inspects the first one, lifts off the lid and looks inside. He says "nope", surprised, the clerk hands him a seco...

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Obsolete Technologies

A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.

She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."

Considering hi...

12 year old and a clown walking through the woods..

A 12 year old and a clown are walking through the woods one night.

The kid turns to the clown and says "Mr. clown these woods sure are scary!"

The clown turns to the kid and says "What are you scared for? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

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The Ladder to success

A man is walking down the street and he comes across a ladder that reaches all the way up to the clouds. On the ladder there is a note that only says "Ladder To Success". He stares at it in bewilderment but decides to give it a shot. After climbing for hours he finally reaches the clouds. A morbidly...

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

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