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Presses Jokes

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...

Melania answers...

He says:”Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He waits for a few minutes and rings again: “ Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He doe...

A woman goes to the doctor

With an massive stomach ache.

"Ok", says the doctor, "please lie down on your back let me examine you". He proceeds to push her stomach with both hands and "BRAAAAB" she lets out a huge fart.

"Could you roll to the side" and she does as requested. The doctor presses down again and in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

A man goes to the doctor

He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."

He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."

Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, e...

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Going up?

An old woman gets on an elevator in a very lavish and posh 30 story building, when a young and beautiful woman also gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance by Ralph Lauren, $120 a bottle.”

Then another young and be...

Brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; e...

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The president of the USA is meeting with the president of Russia at Moscow

The USA president sees a red button next to his chair, hr presses it once and a ice water bucket falls on his face, he press it second time and the chair gives him a punch, he presses third time and the chair kicks him out.
Few months later the Russian President comes to Washington, he sees a red...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.

He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink.

This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says “excuse me, what are you doing?”<...

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Don't press # 3

On an airplane there is a mens and womens bathroom. The guys bathroom was broken so the men had to use the womans bathroom. Well, this man has to go to the bathroom so he stands up and walks to the back of the plane. Before he goes in, the attendant tells him not to press #3. The man takes a dump an...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

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Rectal Glaucoma

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss.

The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank

Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank when a gang of armed men burst in. Some of them start threatening the cashiers while two more go along the line of customers collecting watches, wallets, phones, everything.

As they get closer to the two lawyers one turns to the other and presses a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

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