pls laugh

what do COVID-19 and a traveler on a budget have in common?

they travel by delta





what is the difference between COVID-19 and delta airlines?

only one can become airborne.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.



They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar

When the bartender asks him why it’s there, the pirate replies, “Aargh, I don’t know, but it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”

One Liners & Zinger Help Request

Hi everyone. I don't know if this is allowed. If not, pls recommend where I can go.

I work in a furniture store and we want to have fun with our outdoor sign. One liners or zingers. PG13.

Give it your best shot, furniture based. The best jokes are always in the comments.

I'll go...

I went to the grocery store today to buy some oranges and couldn’t find any that i wanted

none of them looked appealing


pls be nice, i thought of this in the shower :)

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

I recently bought a new car in Texas - it’s malfunctioning pls help

Whenever I start the car it says “Haudi” .

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it

The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were ...

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




"May I help you sir?" she asked.




The man replied,


"I wan to see Valerie."




"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wordplay is fun.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:



1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

WANTED: Fun for Chemists (type jokes pls)

I'd tell you a good chem joke but the best ones argon.

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian are arguing over which country offers their citizens more freedom.

The American says, “I could take a piss on the Statue of Liberty in the middle of the day and nothing would happen to me.”

The Russian says, “Oh ya, I could drop my pants and take a shit in the middle of Red Square at lunch time and nothing would happen to me.”

They finish off a couple...

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

What does a wholefoods and a psychiatric ward have in common?

They're the only places you can get fired for eating a vegetable.

A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down o...

People always ask me, “How does one cope with erectile dysfunction?”

Honestly, it’s not that hard.

Donald Trump is 73 years old and doesnt wear glasses

Because he's got 2020.



P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”

Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.

Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mum and said...

Skeleton jokes

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:



\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs usi...

What do you call when a girl is thirsty for water?

..an H2hoe HAHAHHAHA okay pls help i need friends

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART....

This event earlier this day reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

When your grandpa throws a nokia and knock you out, but you throw a note 7 and it explodes.

The future is now old man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Japan, people are now legally allowed to have 3 maternal guardians.

Here in the states, however, we don't get Mother 3.

So my Nan goes down to the local game store...

I'm a big fan of the Halo series, so for Christmas, I asked my Nan to buy me a Halo model from the local game shop. So she goes down to the shop and is greeted by a very nice man at the store who asks her what she wants to buy. She sends me a text asking me what I wanted.

I send a text back s...

I was having lunch with the Russian President when all of a sudden he vomited...

It was very off Putin

(This is one of my first jokes, pls don't hate)

A soldier walks into a bar.

A man in the bar strikes up a conversation with the soldier.

"So sorry if I'm being rude, but how'd you lose your leg?"

"Explosion in the war. I miss my friends too much here and I want to go back. They won't let me with my injuries though."

"They still stationed in Afghanistan?...

What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy, old bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean, the other is a crusty bus station!

(pls forgive me if you've heard this one before)

A woman calls the police on a naked man who stands in full view of her highrise window

A thread on r/ relationships today reminded me of this old joke:

A woman who lives in a high-rise calls the police because there is a man in a building across from hers who stands stark naked in front of his window for long periods every day.

A policeman comes out to corroborate her co...

How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P







Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?

In a communest

(pls ^dont ^^be ^^^repost)

When does a joke become a dad joke?

After the delivery


(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)

Why are cats always drunk?

Because they have WHISKYers.
(OC by 11 year old me, no hate pls)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not a Catholic....

.... but I plan to give up picking my belly button for lint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And Indian guy goes to walmart

An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S.
He finds cat food at special prices.He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his c...

A man and his wife are talking about their worst first date...

She goes first "I had an $8 salad and some water to drink. He had a $25 steak and multiple beers. He proceeded to ask to split the bill 50/50."

He then says "That's nothing compared to my worst!"

The wife asks "What happened"?

He said "It wasn't the date itself, but what followe...

There are two guys sitting in a bar, and one is complaining that he hasn't had any for a while.

The other man, sympathizes, and tells him of a 'place' he can go to get some relief. He also recommends "Stella" for his new friend.

'Stella?' the desperate one asks.
'
Trust me,' the other guy says. 'Stella gives the best blow-job
on the planet. The amazing thing is, half-way throug...

Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon."

She replied, "I know what a heart is!"

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the U.S by boat

and one says to the other “I hear that they eat dogs here”.”Odd”, her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the americans do.” Nodding emphatically one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.”Two dogs pls” she says. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.

When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.

When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but ...

What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

Dear protestors,

Rosa parks refused to give up her seat on the bus, she didn't trash it. There's a difference.

Pls don't crucify me

Why didn't Edward get on the plane?

Cause it was snowed-in.

What did the soldier say to his blanket?

"Cover me!"


Forgive me pls

How to foil someones plan

(pl)(an) = pa + pn + la + ln

I would tell a future joke but you didn't like it

(I'm not sure if this is a repost or not cause I haven't seen it on Reddit so pls no report)

An unused instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid the...

What's Trump's favorite place to shop?

*Wall-Mart*

^^pls ^^no ^^kill ^^I ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^at ^^2 ^^in ^^the ^^morning

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