Patrick's Day Jokes - 33 Hilarious Patrick's Day Jokes

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Happy St. Patrick's Day!

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders t...

A joke for Saint Patrick's Day...

A lone Irishman walks into an American bar and orders three shots of whiskey - all at once - and proceeds to sip each one in turn.

The American bartender finds it peculiar but minds his business.

Each day, the Irishman returns, ordering three shots of whiskey and sipping each of them i...

What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Paddy's Day, everyone pretends to be Irish.

People tomorrow on St Patrick's Day are gonna be like

elbow bump me, I'm Irish!

Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick's Day?

Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home.

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his St. Patrick's Day.

He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in hono...

Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day?

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers

Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

On this, St. Patrick's day, how do we know beer is the holiest drink?

God may have changed water into wine, but he named his people He-brews

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In honour of St. Patrick's day, I present one of my best irish jokes.

Murphy is sitting at pub, downing the last pint. He turns to the boys and says "Alright, this is it for me. The witch at home'll beat me knowing im out all night"

He gives a wave, goes to hop off the bar stool and falls flat on his face. "My god, I haven't been this drunk in ages."
...

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Even under quarantine, it was an epic St. Patrick's Day night!

Except now, the vomit in the bathroom, broken table, shattered pint glasses and piss beside the building all belong to me.

For St. Patrick's Day: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

St. Patrick's Day so I'll tell you about Father Patrick...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again ...

A joke for St Patrick's Day. "An Irishman walks out of a bar."

Well, theoretically, it could happen...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"

The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name?

Pat MiGroin.

Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen.

My Fav St Pat's Day joke, "What is green and sits on your back porch?"

Patio (Paddy'O) Furnitue

Happy St Patrick's Day my internet friends!

My kid just asked me 'Why doesn't Spongebob have his own day like his friend does?'

Saint Patrick's Day.......

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his...

How do you make an alarm noise in Northern Ireland?

You hit the Belfast!

Happy St. Patrick's Day :)

Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.

His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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What's green, 2 miles long and has an every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

A German Dad Joke

So, because St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow I asked my dad (who is German) if Germans have any day like St. Patrick's Day. His said, "Yes, it's called October."

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few i...

Irish Jokes Megathread

Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

I'm so proud of my mother-in-law

We were sitting down to our St Patrick's day dinner. And I announced, "I took extra pickles, so Dill with it." I thought I was clever but she did me one better. She smiled sweetly and said, "That's ok. Today I'm Dublin everything!"

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An Irish bar

A drunk Irishman sitting at a bar starts talking to the gentleman next to him.

'Where you from?' He asks the stranger.

'Born and raised in Dublin, Ireland." The stranger says raising his glass.

'Get the out of here, I was born and raised in Dublin also!" The man cries in s...

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