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Long Term Jokes

What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?

With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

Why do pediatricians not like long term investments?

They have little patients.

I’m great at long term jobs!

There isn’t a job in the world I can’t stretch out to at least a year or two...

Long term relationships

What's the difference between your job and your wife?

After ten years, your job still sucks.

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

If you’re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals

Short term : I want to work at McDonalds

Long term : I don’t want to work at McDonalds

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

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Me and my long term girlfriend just broke up...

It turned out she is gay.

And made up.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary?

Because you left before I even finished my sentence

A friend of mine, a mathematician, told me he has long term effects after his COVID-19 infection. "Do you have difficulties breathing?" I asked him.

"No," he said, "I stopped reducing fractions."

People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

What does Leonardo DiCaprio call a 19 year old?

A long term relationship.

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Women see sex like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?

Is it safe?

Is it reliable?

Can it kill me?

Guys look at sex like parking a car.

There's a spot.

There's another spot.

Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.

Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

What do you call a gravestone made out of diamond?

A long term investment

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

Dead bird for sale, not going cheap

After long term illness my obese parrot died yesterday. Whilst deeply upsetting, it is a weight off my shoulder.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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Have you heard about the baby born without eyelids?

The doctor took the baby's foreskin and and created perfect eyelids.

"Oh, my goodness! This is amazing news!

Will there be any long term effects?" the Mother asked.

"Well" the Doctor replied, "He may be a bit cock-eyed".

Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?

The long term care ward

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Well after as much sex as I ever wanted,

anal, oral, fisting, facefucking, shitting, pissing, the lot, I'm finally saying goodbye to my long term partner.

I do hope he gets a good new cellmate.

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I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...

My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..

He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

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A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.

After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.

First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
...

Woman receives a phone call from local hospital...

"Hello Mrs Smith, this is Dr Trimble calling - I have some good news and bad news for you - which would you like first"? "Well the bad news I guess replies Mrs Smith". "Very well", replies Dr Trimble, "your husband has been in a horrible car accident, he has broken both his legs and arms, his pelvis...

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office merger

Mike's startup company wasn't doing that well. He had a great idea for a tech startup, he got funding from venture capitalists, hired programmers, accountants, marketing analysts, everything. But sadly Super Tech Enterprises was failing. For months his former roommate's company was offering to bu...

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A man suffering from persistent headaches for years finally decides to go to the doctor.

After several exams, meetings with consultants and various tests, the doctor tells, "You have an unusual condition in which your testicles are pressed up against the base of your spine, causing your headaches. We don't know how this is caused, but the only long term solution available is to remove t...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that "it" guy

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70...

The plan...

A middle aged woman has been conducting a long term affair with her lover for years. Her husband never knows because she tells him that she goes upstate one weekend a month to visit her elderly great aunt and take care of her. The husband wants nothing to do with such business and leaves her to it. ...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

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My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

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