UPJOKE

I Can Jokes

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post get a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

My buddies always ask me how I can get fat girls to bed so quick.

I tell them t’s easy, just a piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

I can sympathize with batteries.

I never get included in anything either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”

Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

I told my psychiatrist that I can only get high if I take THC gummies with my mom.

Apparently I have an edible complex.

I can play every instrument.

However, I play all of them terribly.

One astronaut says to another. I can’t find any milk for my coffee

The other astronaut replies “In space no one can. Here, use cream”

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in...

She really wanted a daughter...

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

I’ve reached the age where I can’t tell..

whether I have sustained an injury, or that’s just the way I am now.

I can see six years into the future.

I must have 2020 vision.

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.


"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."


The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and t...

I fell on my driveway but I can’t sue anyone

It was my own asphalt

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

I can always tell if someone is Canadian.

I’ve got eh-dar

Whenever I can’t decide what to wear to a party, I always call our friend Tommy.

I know..Hilfiger something out.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

The only way I can have a 3 some....

... is if I date a girl with split personality.

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

My wife said, “I can’t see too well with my new glasses.”

I said, “That’s weird. How about the other numbers? Can you see them okay?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says I can never find her G spot, but I think I know the problem

I’m looking in the wrong vaginas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

I can relate to Santa Claus...

I'm old
I'm fat
And no one believes in me

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies ...

I can see for Miles!!

Said Miles' guidedog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

I asked my mom if I can have some of her sleeping pills?

She said

Sure, knock yourself out

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Magician: I can make disappear

I can’t stop sniffing glue

It’s a habit that just sticks

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.