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Wouldn Jokes

Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.

We would have IX/XI instead

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down

By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit on the back seat of the car...

...so I had to pop the trunk.

I wouldn’t want to be an anaesthetist

That type of job would put me to sleep

My wife bet me that I wouldn’t dare give our daughter a silly name.

So I decided to call her Bluff.

I wouldn’t suggest calling the tinnitus help hotline

It just keeps ringing

The airline wouldn’t let me take my dead deer on the plane with me.

They said my carrion was too large.

If I were Bruce Banner’s son, the Incredible Hulk wouldn’t exist

“I’m not angry…I’m just disappointed”

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So...

(*LONG*) A 6 year old girl wouldn’t stop sucking her thumb, much to the chagrin of her mother.

After trying everything she could think of, the mother, in a moment of exasperation, finally told her: “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, you’re going to blow up like a balloon!!”

Somehow this scared her daughter enough that she stopped sucking her thumb.

Several weeks later, they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

Why wouldn’t the bartender give a ghost a drink?

Because they didn’t serve spirits.

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

I wouldn’t want to work as an optometrist

They have to make eye contacts

My dog wouldn’t stop chasing people on bikes.

It got so bad that I had to take the bikes away.

Why wouldn’t the bee wake up?

It was in a honeycoma.

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

What do you call dobby if he wouldn’t shut up?

Gobby

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

My friend wouldn’t stop talking about file compression

So I told him to “*zip it*”

Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…

… she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wouldn’t like to be gay.

Seems like a pain in the arse.

Why wouldn’t they let the stoner on the basketball team?

Because he couldn’t jump high

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

l already suspected on my drive to the Political left convention that l wouldn’t be welcome

I was right.

Why wouldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

He was too far out man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

My friend asked why I wouldn’t tell him my military rank.

I told him it’s Private.

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

Today my daughter wouldn’t sleep during nap time

She was resisting a rest

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his snack?

He was shellfish.

What did the doctor say when their patient wouldn’t let them finish the surgery?

“Suture self”

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

I wouldn’t say that I’m psychic,

but I do feel like I know exactly what was going through JFK’s mind when he was assassinated.

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.

It’s a complete rip-off.

A make-up artist was surprised when people told her she wouldn’t be a good politician.

“But why?” she asked. “Isn’t it all just lip service?”

Did you hear about the firework that wouldn’t explode?

It refused

She wouldn’t know a good relationship

If he hit her in the face.

For centuries the catholic church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings.

You know what I call that?

Chancel culture!

I knew a rabbi who wouldn’t accept payment for circumcisions,

He only took tips

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I wouldn’t like masturbating while spinning in my desk chair.

But I’m coming around to it.

I wouldn’t join the navy.

Seamen everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

You wouldn’t download a car

Cause trailers are free

Why wouldn’t R. Kelly make a good blackjack dealer?

He hits on 17

My dad told me he wouldn’t stand for my violent behaviour anymore

I thought that’s pretty fair as I broke both of his legs yesterday

Pull

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" A...

I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink anymore during quarantine.

I won’t drink any less either!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin.

Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

Cleopatra fell out of her boat but wouldn’t admit she was wet.

She was in denial.

Why wouldn’t the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?

He isn’t a mourning person

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woman next to me on the roller coaster wouldn’t stop screaming.

It’s like she has never seen a penis before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia?

Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The night wouldn’t give you a boner...

...but the morning would.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?

“You wouldn’t believe the fucking day I just had.”

If I had the time machine from back to the future I wouldn’t drive it much....

I’d only drive it from time to time.

If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn’t choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

I cut off the end of my foot but the Doctor wouldn’t treat me.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

What did John Lennon say to his son when he wouldn’t eat his vegetables?

Give peas a chance!

If women would be ruleres in every country there wouldn’t be any wars

Just a bunch of countries that wouldn’t speak with each other.

In hindsight it’s easy to see that 2012 wouldn’t be the end of the world.

The end of the world had 2020 vision.

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day.

But look at me now! I’m saving the world!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I dumped a girl because she wouldn’t let me read poetry.

Prose before hoes.

My girlfriend wouldn’t leave me alone about my obsession with wanting to be Mysterio...

but all I had to do was turn off the projector.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

You wouldn’t believe how close I was to a threesome last night!

Two more people and I would have had it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wouldn’t call myself gay, but I do fuck a man every once in a while.

Prison hasn’t been to bad so far.

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

My friend told me I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between drinking coke and drinking pepsi

I responded, “wait, y’all be drinking the coke?”

My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my All-Time favorites (long):

A priest is fishing with one of his flock, an avid fisherman, and catches a whopper of a fish. The parishioner, forgetting himself for a moment, exclaims, “Look at the size of that Fucker!”

The priest responds sternly and so the parishioner, quick-thinking as he his, explains, “Oh … no Fath...

He’s so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn’t even count the money.

He’d just wait to find out in the news report.

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

When I was younger, I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who starves for attention and tries to get everyone to look at them but

Look at me now!

I got a temporary tattoo

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought...

The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snappin...

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