UPJOKE
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Hasn Jokes

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

My girlfriend hasn’t made a single joke in the 10 years we’ve been together…

We're in a very serious relationship...

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Why hasn’t Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately?

He’s on tour.

A woman hasn’t slept in 4,102 nights

She works the night shift

What do you call a person who is willing but hasn’t yet tried Indian food?

Curry-ious

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

What’s 3 inches long and hasn’t been sucked in 10 years?

Whitney Houstons crack pipe

What kind of prize do you give to someone that hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?

Atrophy!

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This yogi in India claims he hasn’t gone to the bathroom in 76 years.

I think he’s full of shit…

Why hasn’t Noah’s Ark been found?

Because it’s Noah to be found.

Basketball hasn’t changed one bit...

WNBA games are still empty.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

A man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately.

The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill wi...

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What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?

A liar

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

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I asked my boyfriend to be straight with me on why he hasn’t been having sex with me…

He said, “That’s kind of the problem…”

The reason Jesus hasn’t returned yet

Is because his people are actually worshipping the instrument of his death.

Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before)

Where do math teachers go out to eat?

K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n).

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

Why hasn’t columbine won a basketball championship since 1999?

They lost their best shooters

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?

Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Even after losing the election and his image, what is the one thing Trump still hasn’t lost?

His weight.

What do you call a vegan who hasn’t told you that they are vegan

Mute

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

What do you call a golfer who hasn’t enough clubs?

Iron deficient.

Is there a difference between a man who's had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

Yes, a vas deferens.

What does a battery have that a women hasn't?

A positive side....

What do you call a baseball that hasn’t been washed in over a year?

A foul ball.

One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

My mother died two weeks ago and my son hasn’t attended English classes since.

I think he’s missing gramma.

What do you call the Incredible Hulk when he hasn’t shaved in a few days?

Mark Scruffalo

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn’t been the same since his lost his favorite ball

I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.

3 jokes told to me by an older gentleman at the grocery store

Have you heard the one about the jump rope? That’s OK we’ll skip it.

Have you heard the one about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Do you know why blind people don’t skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

Backstory: I have pretty severe PTSD and things like running t...

What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

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My girlfriend asked me once if I’ve ever peed in the shower. I said “For sure, hasn’t everyone?” She replied “No wtf, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you?”

I replied “Well, these things tend to happen when you’re taking a shit...”

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

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So there's this guy that moved into an African village...

He finds the locals aren’t accepting him because he hasn’t passed the initiation ceremony.

To be accepted, he has to drink three jugs of the local booze, have sex with the first woman he finds and then kill a lion with his bare hands.

He drinks the three jugs, gets obliterated and stu...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

A woman is at her father’s deathbed.

She hasn’t seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left.
“Dad, I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Goodbye, Sorry,” he says, “*I’m dead.*”

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Three months ago I ordered a book “How to scam people online”

It still hasn’t arrived

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A man escapes from prison.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While ...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. Already bar hopping and a little drunk he looks at the huge jar full of cash behind the bar. What’s that jar filled with cash for he asked the bartender? The bartender says it’s an ongoing bar bet. You put $20 in the jar and you complete 3 challenges and you win all the money...

My mom told me that “the world isn’t just black and white”

She still hasn’t coped with me being colorblind.

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A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question ...

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My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day

So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!

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3 Irishmen in a pub

Mick, Sean and Paddy are chatting in a pub.
Mick says “some women are so stupid, my wife has just bought herself a car and she can’t even drive yet!”
Sean says “That nothing, my wife has gone on a diet and she’s not even fat!”
Paddy says “That’s fuck all boys, my wife has taken 30 condoms w...

I asked SIRI, what do women want?

The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover,

but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

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Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a...

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

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I ordered a Bon Jovi album to give to my father for Christmas.

It still hasn’t arrived. When I ring customer service the lady on the phone keeps telling me “it’s halfway there”.

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A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

A farmer left the door to his chicken coop open ...

Upon noticing his chickens are missing, he runs down the street in the direction he hopes they have gone. He runs into a man on the side of the road and asks "Have you seen a bunch of chickens this way?". The man replies that he hasn't. The farmer apologizes for wasting the mans time. The man re...

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

Have you heard about the movie “Constipation?”

No?
That’s because it hasn’t come out yet

I’ve created the thickest moisturiser in the world….

To be honest, it still hasn’t sunk in yet.

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My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later.

“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.

“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot.

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

A lady is tied on a train track and screaming for help.

I man suddenly rushes out of nowhere and approaches the woman.

He says “Thank goodness you are still alive.
It means the 9:00 train hasn’t left yet.”

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

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I asked my dad where he thinks I should take my outdoor-loving girlfriend on vacation. He said Alaska.

It’s been a month now and bastard still hasn’t told me.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

Remember: eagles may soar above the rest.

But a weasel hasn’t been sucked into a jet engine yet.

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

Radio Yerevan Joke

One type joke from back in the Soviet Union was a Radio Yerevan Joke, in which Radio Yerevan would make a witty subversive reply to various queries. Anyway, here's a new one I saw about the present war:


"This is Radio Yerevan. Our listeners ask us: 'According to Putin, what is going on ...

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In a bar (long)

I forget where I heard this one but it’s one of my favorites.

A man walks into a bar and sits down looking very miserable. Another man sees him and asks “having a bad day?” To which the first man responded “I just got married and put a down payment on our dream house, overextended our credit...

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

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What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common?

They’re both wood workers.





OC, hopefully hasn’t been done before

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Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

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A Rabbi and a Priest are talking.

They are arguing about whose religion is better.

Then, the priest goes to the rabbi, ‘Admit it, you’ve tried pork.’ The rabbi tells him that he hasn’t. The priest carries on asking him until eventually the rabbi admits it. He says, ‘Yeah I’ll admit it, I’ve tried it once. But now you admit so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad always yells at me over the smallest things

I guess I should be glad he hasn’t seen my penis

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

We don’t need gun control!

Their hasn’t been a school shooting in like at least a month

(Headline) MINE EXPLOSION: SURVIVOR SPEAKS

Interviewer: How do you feel, having narrowly escaped such an unexpected, yet tragic, event?

Survivor: It was a mine-blowing experience.

*hope this hasn’t been posted yet

A ship sinks, there are three survivors…

…a Chinese guy, a British guy and an American guy.

They meet on a deserted island. Soon, they realize they have to find a wat to get off the island if they are going to survive this mess. They get together on the beach and tasks are divided. The Britton searces the island for wood to make a ...

I finally asked my Deadbeat, Deserting Dad what makes him happy. His Answer?

He hasn’t gotten back to me.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

My friend was planning to get a Labrador.

Is he mad? Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops

Edit: Temel is a fictional character in Turkish jokes. Hope you like.

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops. One day he wins the lottery and the locals wait for him to pay back what he owes – and maybe more. However three months down the line, Temel still hasn’t paid anything so the sh...

Michael takes an exam

Michael is taking an exam at his school. All questions are True or False questions. He hasn’t studied so he decides to answer all his questions by flipping a coin.

Once the time is up, The teacher collects everyones exams but notices that Michael is still working. The teacher asks why he’s ...

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

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