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Baptized Jokes

In the Mormon Church there is a family that has recently been baptized.

After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
“Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”
The new convert replies, “Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”
“On anything ...

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

What do you call a baptized Mexican?

Bean Dip

If baptists are baptized...

does that mean protestants are protested?

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Eas...

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A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

Burglary

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38! " ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your...

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't...

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

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NSFW a Catholic is trying to convert a wealthy Jew.

He says he'll get baptized as soon as he gets back from a business deal with the Pope. He comes back and the Catholic asks how's the Pope.

The Jew says "guys a riot, I walked in the door and the guy was doing coke in the middle of an orgy"

"Well shoot I guess you don't want to become ...

Yo mama so fat

She had to be baptized in the pacific ocean

A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue

He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".

"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."

"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
...

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

Woman goes to the Priest to ask him to bury her dog in the church cemetery

He tells her "unfortunately, we don't do that. You can take him to the pet cemetery." But the woman pleads "Please, I just need to know I will see him again in heaven, so I need you to bury him in holy ground!" but the priest doesn't budge. "I'm sorry, dear lady, I just can't do that. It's not allow...

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...

Converting a Bear

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

The next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

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Long/Sexist (On mobile and I can’t find the flair) A priest and a woman are walking up the Gates of Heaven when they’re greeted by St. Peter

St. Peter tells them “Sorry, we’re packed today, we can only allow in whichever one of you supported God the most.

So he looks about both of their informations for each of their lives, and he decides to pick the woman.

Of course, the Priest was astonished. He had spent his entire lif...

A priest a rabbi and a minister go camping

There is a bet on which one could convert a bear. A week or so later the rabbi is in the hospital and the others go to visit him. The priest tells the others that while walking in woods the bear started chasing him. The priest sprinkled the bear a couple of times and the bear surrendered. The minist...

So three priests are having lunch...

and the first priests complains about having bats in his bell tower. "They just moved in and I can't seem to be able to get them to leave."

The second priest chirps up with the same problem. "I've had them for 2 years now and nothing I do makes any difference."

Finaly the third priests...

Preaching to a bear

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, whi...

A priest a minister and a rabbi...

All were trying to see who was the best at their job. They decided to go to the woods find a bear and convert it. One week later they all came back with their stories the pries went first and said “ well when I went out into the woods I found a bear and I gave him communion and now he's a regular ch...

Holy baptism

John, an alcoholic, went to the church to find a solution for his drinking problems.

The priest, after a long talk, asks: Are you baptized ?

No

Well then, I'll give you the holy baptism and you'll be a new man.

The priest plunged John 3 times in the water and says:
...

Someone call for a religious joke

A Daoist monk, a Father, and a Priest talking about how to cleanse their temples that have been overridden with squirrels. the monk says "Well, I decided that it is Gods will for the squirrels to be there so I left them alone". The Father says "I spread fox urine around which worked for a week, but ...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them ...

The Priest, The Minister and The Rabbi

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a large, diverse University.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A r...

Nosmo King.

Many ministers could, from personal experience, tell of strange names bestowed upon infants at their baptism, but few could equal the following story recently told by the Bishop of Sodor and Man. A mother who was on the lookout for a good name for her child saw on the door of a building the word "No...

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A small church became infested with rabbits...

A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could...

A Priest, a Preacher, and a Rabbi...

A Catholic priest, Baptist preacher, and a rabbi were known to meet up every week and talk about religion and their respective churches. One week, they were discussing converting people to their faith and each agreed that people are easily manipulated and that it was no true test of skill and that a...

A man bought the same thing from the same bar every day for months

Everyday, this man would buy two beers, around the same time. He would drink them both and then leave.

After this went on for a little while, the bartender finally asked the man "Why do you always buy two beers everyday and then just leave?"

"My good friend is away at war and isn't al...

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