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In Church Jokes

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What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"

"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"

"God, what is a million years to you?"

"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."

"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I underst...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

ÂŤI'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?Âť

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church, the squir...

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?

One has hope in her soul
The other has soap in her hole

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently “move diagonally” wasn't the answer they were looking for.

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino?

They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!

Why are there so many old people in Church?

They're cramming for the final

Confucius say: Man who fart in church...

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

Someone just did a HUGE fart in church...

>!They're definitely sitting in their own pew after that!!<

The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church

The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'

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Once there was a little boy in church.

He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss."

The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite."

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had...

I ate a burger in church today

The priest then said “Holy cow”

Peter in church...

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you...

I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church...

Because no one beats off in church

What do salads say in church?

Lettuce pray.

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Cussing In Church

A crusty old man  walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to  join this damn church."


The astonished  woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did  you say?"


"Listen up, damn  it. I said I wa...

Why is there no Wi-Fi in church?

Because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

What’s a pirate’s favorite hymn to sing in church?

Arrrr-ve Maria

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What does a sexual predator do in church?

Prey

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

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A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

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Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....

They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

I asked my friend why he only wore a mask when he was in church.

He said his doctor advised him to wear them religiously.

Drunk in church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preache...

A little prick in Church

This little elderly wife and her husband never missed a Sunday service in 35 years. I believe they even sat in the same pew. They were very special to the church and one Sunday, the church wanted to present a beautifully engraved plaque. Coincidentally, it was their 52nd anniversary, and additionall...

Three boys are crying in church.

The priest walks up to the first boy and asks, "Why are you crying?"

The boy answers, "When no one was looking, I stole $20 from the donation box. I am very sorry."

The priest replies, "Return the money to the box, go drink from the Holy Water, and you will be forgiven." So, the boy r...

My friend called me in church and I was so embarrassed

My ringtone is highway to hell

An old lady turns to her husband in church and says

An old lady turns to her husband in church and says, "I just made a dozen silent farts. What should I do?"

The old man replies, "Get your hearing checked, that's what."

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What's the difference between the guy praying in church, and the guy praying at the track?

The fucker at the track means it.

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, a...

Mrs. Smith is having trouble with her husband falling asleep in church...

... and it was really embarrassing for her to be seen with him constantly nodding off. So Mrs. Smith asks the preacher before Sunday service if he has any ideas for her. He thinks about it, then hands her a pin and says, "Every time I signal you with this gesture, poke your husband with this pin." M...

What do you call a Catholic that argues in church?

A mass debater

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

The Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher
said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the Ku Klux Klan.

'This is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept ...

Why do melons always get married in church?

They cantaloupe

For anyone going to worship today, do you remember why you shouldn't fart in church?

Because then you'll have to sit in your own pew.

What do you called a cheddar flavored wafer in church?

A Jeez-It

Why don't skeletons play music in church?

Because they don't have any organs!

One man in church

It was 8.30 am one balmy Sunday morning. Only one man was in the church.

The priest said to him, " It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home or should I preach the sermon ? “

The man replied, " When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."
...

Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

A guy kept falling asleep in church

A guy kept falling asleep in church, so his wife asked the priest what she could do. The priest gives her a needle and tells her to stab him with it when he’s asleep.

The next day, during the sermon, the priest asks the church, ‘Who is our Saviour?’

The guy falls asleep. His wife stab...

I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.

He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.

#BONG BONG BONG

He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"

I replie...

In church tonight ....

My sister said she didn't need a hymnal because she knew the lyrics to every Christmas song.

I told my brother, "Don't mind her, she's just a big noel-it-all."

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

How to get two black eyes in church

Today, my aunt’s father passed away, after a long life and leaving behind a great family. He was a very funny man, and told me one of my favorite jokes of all time. I’m going to post that joke here; stay to the end, it’s worth it. RIP, Marcel.

A man walks into his neighborhood bar and sits do...

A man takes his shoe off in church...

Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it*

Man 2: "What the problem?"

Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "

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In church they tell you not to drink or have premarital sex

Yet Jesus got hammered and nailed in a single weekend.

Don't Fall Asleep in Church

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all ...

Why don't blondes pray in church?

When they are on their knees, their mouths are usually full.

What kind of alchohol do you find in church?

Holy spirits!

What do you call a woman who spends a lot of time in church towers?

Belle.

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the ...

A young boy went to church with his mother

Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"

After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"

The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. A...

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