How Much Jokes - 96 Hilarious How Much Jokes

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're actually pretty light.

A man asked how much half a head of lettuce costs.

A guy is working at a grocery store when a man approaches him, asking how much half a head of lettuce costs. After some arguing, the worker goes to his manager and says, "Boss, some jackass wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

They turn around and see that the customer has followed them to ...

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

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How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It’ll still be stationery.

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

How much do pirates charge for corn?

A buck-an-ear.

A man enters a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
The man replies, “That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

How much street cred do astronauts have?

Zero, G!

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

How much does Dwayne Johnson weigh?

1 stone

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"How much for a dance?" I asked the stripper on the stage.

"£20," she said.

I pulled out £50 and gave it to her.

"How come you're so generous?" she winked.

I said, "Just in case I break the pole."

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

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How much tip do I give a prostitute?

All of it if she is brave.

How much a pirate charge for piercings?

A buccaneer.

(Although if you ask me, that's two deer)

How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?

Won Ton

How much of northern Canada is livable?

*Nunavut*

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

How much do astraunauts make?

astronomical sums I guess

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One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

A guy asks a barman how much a coke is.

The barman says it's $5 but asks for $10.

So the guy's confused and asks why,

to which the barman answers: "$5 for the coke, $5 for the service."

The guy pays up but the barman gives him $5 back.

So the guy's confused and asks why,

to which the barman answers: "Y...

How much lead is safe to eat

It depends on the velocity

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

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It doesn't matter how much mascara I put on my penis...

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.

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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

how much fun can a monk have?

Nun

Hi, how much for this torture device?

Sir, that's a wedding ring.

"How much do you love me?" she asked.

I said, "Look into the sky and count the stars. That's how much I love you."

"But the sun is shining!" she said.

"There you go."

- In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?

\- Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20?

\- No

\- Why not?!

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Man walks into a brothel and asks how much.

Prostitute: "it's €250 for a ride or €100 for a blowjob."

Man: "that's way too expensive" as he turns to leave.

P: "for €20 you can have a Penguin"

M: "what's a Penguin?"

P: "no more questions, take it or leave it, €20 for a penguin"

The man thinks about it and dec...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

How much does Putin want oil prices to be capped?

Well his closest advisors say he needs this like he needs a hole in the head....

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.

Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

How much action does a priest get?

Nun

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

No matter how much I study

I always get a B- on my blood test

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

How much did the pirate pay for his feather earrings?

A buck-an-ear

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How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

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do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?

A Washington.

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How much times a week?

Some friends are bragging on how much sex they have. The first dude says: i get laid twice a week.
Al the others start counting, the second dude yells, i get some 4 times a week! Most of the mates are impressed.
One dude utters: i have sex almost every day of the week.
The gang looks in awe...

How much RAM does a great white shark have?

A killer-bite.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

Nah, just kidding... they just steal it.

How much does it cost a small middle eastern country to host the World Cup?

A Qatar of a trillion

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

How much do geniuses weigh?

Ein stein!

How much matter is in the universe?

All of it.

How much does a red lightsaber cost?

An arm and a leg

^^edit: ^^slightly ^^improved ^^punchline

How much did Harambe drink in the bar?

Just a couple of shots

How much does a dead man weigh?

*a skeleton*

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

How much memory does it take to store a joke?

1 Gigglebyte.

How much does an unwell octopus cost?

Sick Squid.

How much do you pay a circumcision specialist?

However much you want... they work on tips.

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I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.

He said there was a vas deferens.

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