UPJOKE
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A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...
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Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

Two guys in an asylum decide one night they're sick of living there, and decide to escape. They make their way to the roof, and just across this tiny gap are the rooftops of the town, glowing in the moon light. Freedom The first guy jumps right across but his pal didn't dare for fear of falling.

However, the first guy has an idea...
He says "Hey! I got my flashlight! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"

The second guy just shakes his head and says: "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn off the light when I was halfw...

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Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

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I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

Why is the paper glowing?

Because the paper is light

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What do you call a group of suspicious glowing pornstars?

Illuminaughties!

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The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" say...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

My grandpa once told me he dated Marie Curie.

He was attracted to her glowing spirit and radiant personality.

Sadly, their relationship became toxic.

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The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant?

Because he was glowing.

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night

I got glowing reviews

There’s a new movie out about Marie Curie.

It received glowing reviews.

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Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

My friend is going around telling everyone that I said the Russians are really proud of themselves for conquering Chernobyl…

No, I corrected, I just said they were glowing!

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip....

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was alread...

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

What do you say to a pregnant jack-o-lantern?

Omg! You're glowing!

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A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

Is this heaven?

A man dies and comes to find himself facing a tall man wearing a beautiful set of glowing robes.

"Is this Heaven?" He asked the man.

"Welcome! Here, let me show you around. This place is where you will spend all of eternity."

As they walked he pointed out the beautiful manicure...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.

I have great news for you.

Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:

“I’m glad that you feel this way since...

Wait, what do you mean Madame Curie is dead?

Because the last time I saw her, she was positively glowing!

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A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

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Two nuns are driving through the Carpathian Mountains late at night.

When suddenly, illuminated by the lightning, a vampire appears before the car, fangs bared and eyes glowing red.

The first nun turns to the other, 'Oh no! Sister Magda! Quick! Show him your cross!'

Sister Magda winds down the window, leans out and bellows 'Get out of the fucking road, ...

I was ecstatic to finally visit Chernobyl.

Afterwards I spent weeks glowing and radiating happiness.

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

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