UPJOKE

Dumb Ass Jokes

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I see the joke your dad told you, and raise you my dads dumb ass joke

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty, deer nuts are under a buck!

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

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My proctologist didn't know what a hemorrhoid was.

What a dumb ass doctor!

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

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Guy comes home drunk in the middle of the night

He comes through his bedroom door with a sheep under his arm. The wife wakes up and says drunk again I see. The man says this is the pig I fuck when your not around. The wife says you dumb ass thats not a pig its a sheep to which the man replies. Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!

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a mathematician a riddler and a dumbass were at the gate of heaven

the angel at the gate frowned and apologized to the men "im sorry, but heaven is too full! if you want to come in you will have to trick the devil!" the devil appeared, smiling at the men, "well which one of you want to go to hell first?". after a pause, the mathematician walked up and handed the de...

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Little League Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The litt...

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

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My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we ...

The Legend of the King and the Fisherman

After the palace meteorologist assured them there was no chance of rain, the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and they asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesties, you should return to the palace...

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What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey?

One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.

Worst Pirate Joke in the Entire World



**Where do Pirates go to drink?**





At the Baaaarrrrrrrr





**Wait I'm not done**. **Where do Pirates put their stuff?**





In a Jaaaaarrrrrrr







**Wait for it...** **What do Pirates Drive?**


...

Hurry get up and jump out the window

A couple was in bed sleeping, when suddenly the woman hears a door slam outside, she wakes up scared and tells the man sleeping with her:
Hurry get up and jump out the window, its my husband!
The man half asleep gets up in a hurry and jumps out the window.
Five minutes latter he walks back ...

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"   "Is this her first child?" asks the operator.   "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

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Difference between a friend and best friend when theirs a problem

Friend:
Don't worried everything will be alright.

Best friend:
I told your dumb ass. That happen cause you're stupid.

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Guy comes across an American Indian.

Indian has his ear to the ground and says “White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker.”

Guy; very impressed says “wow, you can get all that information just from listening to the ground.”

Indian “no you dumb ass, that’s what the asshole t...

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What do you do when you are riding on the back of a zebra, right next to a camel, and a lion won't stop chasing you?

Get off the carousel, dumb ass. You're drunk.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert

After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponder...

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Retirement Plan

Working people frequently ask retired people, "What you do to make your days
interesting ~"


Well, this was what I heard from a 60+ Senior Citizen & he said this about using time Productively...


"The other day, my wife & I went into town & went into a shop....

A man went to college

A man from Alabama comes back to his hometown for a visit after his first year in college.

His friend meets up with him and asks what he learned from college?

Man: Well I learned biology for one.

Friend: Oh really? Speak in biology to prove it.

Man: Amoeba, nucleus, and ...

One day a cheerful man goes to hell.

He was very happy, making friends with everyone he met, until he sees a cold man shaking, so he ask “hello there! How did you died?”
“I died frozen, how did you died?”
He smiles and says
“Well... You know...”
“Come on, what was it, car-crash, cancer, killed?”
“No no, i died by happi...

Four Different Views Of Life

One day, three friends went walking on a train track stumbled upon a tunnel (mind you, the first is an Optimist, the second a Realist, and the third a Pessimist). The Optimist says,
“Fellas, lets go through this tunnel! C’mon it’ll be fun!”
The other two roll their eyes and agree. About halfw...

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A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong.

She said: "I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

He hugged her and kept walking. A few minutes later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now;

She said: "I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

He kissed her and kept walking. ...

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No chocolate ice cream today...

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and approaches the clerk. "Hello!" She says. "I'd like to buy a gallon of chocolate ice cream please." The clerk points at sign that reads "OUT OF CHOCOLATE" "Sorry about that ma'am" he says. "Anything else you'd like?" The woman thinks for a moment. "Ok, how a...

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