UPJOKE
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Dis Jokes

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator...

Where dis King David keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous ...

Amazing joke i came up with

Sadness walked into the doctors office.
the doctor asked: Whats your appointment?
Sadness anwsered: Dis apoointment.

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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

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Emotions

So.. 3 french guys were walking around Brooklyn when they spot a party, they go knock on the door but the person answering says they can't get in without a costume. They walk away dejected. One of them spots a green paint can in an alley and pours it all over himself goes to the door and says I am g...

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A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

Stopped from going into a bar, dis is discrimination.

A brain and a jumper cable walked up to the bar, "I'm sorry , I can't serve you guys " said the barman,
Why? said the brain,

You're outta youre head and he is going to start something.

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

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A guy moves into a new apartment building...

He decides to host a party to get to know his neighbours. Being the sort of person who liked to do things a little differently he throws a costume party but with a unique theme. Every guest must turn up dressed up as an emotion.

The big night finally arrives and our host is feeling nervous. W...

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

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Halloween in Jamaica

It's Halloween in Jamaica and some friends are organising a costume party. Everyone's told that the theme of the party is Moods and Feelings.

One the night itself, there's a knock on the door and when the host opens it, standing on the porch are two guys, completely naked, except for the fact...

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Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary st...

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Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

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A woman is having a party and tells all the guests to dress as a feeling.

The first person shows up all dressed in green with his face painted green. The hostess says, "I see you are green with envy. Come on in."

The second guest is a woman who is dressed in blue with a blue wig. The hostess says, "I see you're blue - you're sad. Come in!"

Later, the hos...

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A psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday.

Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion. This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.

The night of the party arrived and the first guest came dressed in all red.

"What emotion are you?" the professo...

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My Favourite Joke

Some time ago, when I was a teenager, I went to my uncle’s farm. I, a city boy, didn’t want to go but my cousins insisted and convinced me. It was a nice experience at first but after a few days there I was bored as fuck with no tv, no internet, no video games, and just seeing my cousins 24h a day.<...

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Little long, but it's funny.

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and...

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The costume party

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!", and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of ...

Did you hear about the woman who backed into a meat grinder?

Dis-assed her.

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Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

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Two Jamaicans...

***If you have a thing against bad accents, you're going to have a bad time.***

...Are browsing thru some generic, privately-owned shop. On their way out one of them remarks, "Dere's nuting to do in dis town." The couple who owns the shop overhears this while clerking at the front counter and...

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A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell...

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

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For my cake day, here is a joke

Two guys get invited to a costume party. The invitation says that all costumes need to be of an emotion. So they think about it and figure out their costumes. The day of the party comes and the first guy gets completely naked, gets a bowl of custard and sticks his dick in it. The second guy also...

What do you get when you save a damsel in distress?

A damsel out of dis dress.

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. D...

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

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Two Russian women are foraging through a previously harvested potato field.

One is lucky to find two large spuds. She holds them up and says,

“Deez potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles”

The other replies,

“Oh my, are dey dat big?”

“NO, dey are dis dirty”

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate! His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.

He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh...

Just one kiss, please

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her doorstep. As they were about to wish each other goodnight,the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, said to her,

“Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
...

What happened when the fat woman backed into the airplane propeller?

Disaster.

Did you hear about the Jedi who was married 100 times

Divorce is strong with dis one.

Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin...

(Read in a Norwegian accent)

So Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin and da fish are bitin pretty good, but when Sven sets da hook, he falls overboard. Sven can't svim you see, so Ole jumps in da lake after 'im.

It's pretty dark down d'ere but Ole is feeling along the bottom and he sudd...

One of my joints is an giant international media conglomerate.

Which one?

Dis knee.

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Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.

"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"

So...

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A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

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So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...

The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.

Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”

My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

You can’t spell disappointment without...

...dis pp

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A white fairy story starts with "Once upon a time".

A black fairy story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna b'lieve dis shit

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."

"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It’s far too expensive."

"How ‘bout dis one, effendi?" said ...

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Two Jamaican men are invited to a costume party…

The invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”. Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of cu...

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A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

Have you heard about the latest dance craze?

Social Dis-dancing.

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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss ...

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

My local neighbourhood committee leader lost his position recently

Needless to say he was dis-appointed

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

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Costume party in Boston

So a charitable organization in Boston throws a costume party fundraiser. The theme of the party is Emotions, and the partygoers are supposed to dress like an emotion.

So at about midnight, a man stumbles up to the door in a wedding gown. He's stopped by the door man.

"Da fucka you do...

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

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