(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

Disclaimer: Original joke from an almost 5 year old.

What does a fat turkey say?

Wobble Wobble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

The doctor takes a peek

Disclaimer: This is a re-tell of a joke as my late uncle used to tell it to me.

So there was a guy named Joe that had lost an eye. As it would happen, the only solution was to get a glass eye as to make him feel a little better. Every night he would carefully put it into a glass of solution ...

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, goes, "Doc, you got to help me. My brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken."
The doc goes, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
The guy goes, "You know I would,
but,
I need the eggs."
.
.
.
Disclaimer: Stolen Joke.

What is the most widely used legal disclaimer in a Mexican restaurant?

"Hot Plate"

A Multi-Level Meta Joke

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is a repost, but I haven't seen it posted in a while so I figured maybe there are people out there who haven't heard it yet.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink.

The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi...

A couple were walking through Moscow one day in the 60's

An old friend of theirs, Olf, who was a member of their local communist party wing, started talking to them.

Olf always had a reputation for being kind at heart, but gruff and a bit sour in conversation.

As they finished their conversation, Olf told them it would start raining in aroun...

A cannibal isn't feeling too great after dinner last night.

*Disclaimer: better when told, not written. Tell your friends!*

He pays a visit to his witch doctor.

WD: Describe what you ate last night?

C: He was wearing a thick brown robe, with a rope around his waist. He was a little plump around the middle and had a bald spot on the top o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Donald Trump Joke

Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an...

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

What do you call a cash register?

"A Jewish piano."

Disclaimer: This joke came from a friend, who was told this joke by his Jewish boss. Please don't shoot the messenger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam was at the pub

-disclaimer, mobile-
As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs ga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

Selling Paul Walker's keyboard on ebay ( $100 )

Disclaimer: it's missing a key ( previous owner lost CTRL ).

Wife: I’m pregnant. -Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife: No you’re not.

disclaimer: not OC

Where does a Terrorist go when he dies?

Everywhere!!

Disclaimer: Another one my Student told me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Irish Math test

*disclaimer, i didn't invent this joke and i'm not sure who did but i hope you enjoy it...

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, rep...

What do you get when you cross a lab monkey and a bully?

I don’t know, but it’s about to beat you up after Rhesus..

Disclaimer: Took this one from r/adviceanimals

I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit

And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...

Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

^(Disclaimer: Don't try this at home.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**

Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."

Einstei...

A penguin is driving down the road and her car starts making a funny noise...

She finds a repair shop and drops it off to get it repaired. While she’s waiting, she notices an ice cream shop nearby, so she goes over to get a cone. On her way back, the ice cream starts to melt and ends up getting on her lips and around her mouth. Walking up to her car, the mechanic lifts his h...

Do you want to hear a joke about a ghost?

That's the spirit.


Disclaimer: My girlfriend told me this one and she has repeatedly said it pretty much since last Christmas and stills finds it super amusing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out...

The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double.

Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. POOF! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two.

For his second w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.

The proprietor comes out

Trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

Asian proprietor says: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man says: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash...

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

Next time your wife is angry....

Put a cape on her and and say, "Now you are, super angry!!!"

Disclaimer: results may vary

Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.



Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how ma...

Be the change you want to see.

Disclaimer : Above quote is not for blind people as they can't see.

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

Who is Donald Trump's favorite Civil War General?

Stonewall Jackson











(disclaimer I don't actually know who his favorite general is)

An American, a German, and a Frenchman are all on Death Row, waiting for the electric chair.

(Disclaimer: I am American)

The Frenchman is called forward by the executioner first. The executioner asks him what he has to say for himself, and the Frenchman says that he is not guilty, that it’s a mistake. The executioner flips the switch on the chair, and nothing happens. He says to hims...

After the success of iPhone, iPad,... Apple has released a new device for Asian people

They call it iOpener.

Disclaimer: Chill, guys. I myself am 100% Asian and I found this joke funny. It's in /r/Jokes for a reason. Just have a good time instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?

Her navel.

[Disclaimer: An oldie, just wanted to share it for fun]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic man promises his wife not to drink anymore...

**Just as a disclaimer**
I don't know whether this joke is original or not it was told to me by my grandfather and it's very possible he took the joke from someone but I can't really find out if he did or not.

The wife says 'I'm fed up with you going out and getting drunk every night, if y...

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk driver

A cop pulled over a man who kept swerving in and out of lanes for no apparent reason. The officer goes up to the man and requests that the man take a breathalyzer test.

"I can't do that, officer," the man replied, "I'm an asthmatic. If I take the test, I might have an asthma attack."
...

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...

A man inherits a priceless coin collection...

from his deceased grandfather. One day a friend of the grandfather sees the grandson and asks him about the collection.

"Oh that? None of those coins worked in the laundromat, so I swapped each one of them for a shiny new coin at the bank." The grandson replies.

"You did what?!" The ol...

Two cats are swimming across a river

One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?

"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank

Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

Where does a penguin keep his money?

In a snow bank!

(disclaimer: saw this on the display of a local bank and I giggled).

Meeting Tom Hanks made my whole day ... [NSFW]

meeting Kevin Spacey made my hole weak.


I'll see myself out ...

Disclaimer: I met none.

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans......

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.

Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be differ...

Beware of a new scam message going around

I just got a text message saying "Congratulations you are the winner of the Elvis tribute competition.

You have a choice of two prizes you can take,
Option 1 is £50.00
Option 2 is for 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert

To make your choice
text
1 for the money or 2 for t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ving and Ling

#DISCLAIMER: This IS a repost. The original was from 4chan I think. I do not take any credit whatsoever.

Earlier this year, a Chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off wi...

Joke in real life

DISCLAIMER: THIS JOKE SUCKS BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME EARLIER TODAY

I'm currently in hospital being treated for a pulmonary embolism and the doctor ordered a echocardiogram for me.

When I was getting my heart looked at, it was the only place I've been in hospital playing music. Really coo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Setting the ground rules of a happy marriage

After the wedding, the groom sits down his bride and goes, "I just need to tell you three things. Every Wednesday night, come sun, rain or snow, we play football with the lads. Ok?"

"Yes", replied the bride.

"Every Saturday night, me and the lads go out drinking. Regardless whether yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods.

She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap.

*The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.*

*The woman frees the frog, and the frog says: Thank you, but I have failed to mention that there is a condition at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Southern Oldie But Goodie....

**Disclaimer: Must be read in a deep Southern drawl.**

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, "Is that your baby boy there?" The first woman replied, "Why, yes it ...

What's the capital of Greece? (x-post from /r/MeanJokes)

About €10.

DISCLAIMER: I heard this joke from /u/r4e3d2d2i8t5. All due credit to that person.

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

What's the difference between an AL Queada base and a Pakistani school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

DISCLAIMER: Not my joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,

And desperate for a fuck.

So off she went into the woods,

To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,

When she saw some chimney smoke.

Then stumble...

1995: A Chinese Official is conversing with a Russian citizen...

...Chinese Official, "You have nothing in Russia."

Russian, "Oh yeah, we have Yeltsin."

Chinese Offical, "Then we will steal your Yeltsin.

Russian, "If you take Yeltsin you'll have nothing in China."


Disclaimer: This joke is not mine, it was told to my father during ...

In medical school...

Professor: Miss Rogers, what part of the male anatomy may enlarge by a factor of 10 when the male is excited?

Rogers: (Blushing) I... refuse to answer...

Professor: Mr. Smith?

Smith: The iris.

Professor: (coughs) Miss Rogers I can conclude three things. 1. You didn't do t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OAP (old aged pensioner) wins the lotto

A little old lady wins the lotto, she wins big. Almost $200 million. With friends and family around celebrating she announces that she is giving half of her winnings to the German Nazi party.

Everyone around here are stunned and amazed, they all ask why!!

They all quiet down and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One week, a Chinese guy exchanged some currency....

and came back next week to do it again, only to find that the rate had increased.

He asked the nearby white clerk, "Hey! You! Why it more expensive now?"

The clerk replied, "Oh. Fluctuations."

And the Chinese man said, "Well, fuck you white guy!"

(Disclaimer: I'm Chinese ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boating accident

Paddy and Mary divorced a year ago. Paddy was boating with his son Michael when a storm came up and they both drowned.

Officer Murphy had to tell Mary the news. "Well, Mary I have good news and bad news."

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your ex has drowned in a boating accident....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

An African American invited a white friend over for dinner ...

(Disclaimer: I got the idea for this joke from a post from /r/youdontsurf)
An African-American man named Noah invited his white friend, Brad, over for dinner with his family.

When Brad arrived at the Noah's house, Noah told him that dinner will be out very soon, and guided him to a seat a...

What did the boulder say to the other boulder?

I rock. You Rock. We Rock.

Disclaimer: This joke was made during a 6 hour road trip with the family. My only scenery was rocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."

*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

Why don't we let Google Chrome drive?

Because it crashes all the time.

*Disclaimer - shameless chrome user*

What's yellow and lies in a pond?

Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english.


What's yellow and lies in a pond?

An excevator.

You don't think this is funny?

Neither does the operator.

In the unlikely event you have a 1 iron

and are caught golfing during a lightning storm, hold it up. Because even God himself cannot hit a 1 iron.

Disclaimer: a friend of mine told me this one on the golf course today. Neither I nor he wrote this joke, just thought it was really funny.

Every time I click "Remember Me" on a login page, I get a little sad thinking about my fleeting existence...

...But some cookies would brighten my day!

Disclaimer: Made this joke up just now.

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