UPJOKE
waveflockinggravitatetemptsaunterfascinatewanderdawdletrudgeluxuriategesticulategesturemotionsummonappeal

Beckoned Jokes

Yesterday I was walking on the street and a boy beckoned me.

When I stopped he told me I had lost something. I looked around, but did not see anything. "What did I lose?" I asked in confusion. "Your speed," he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

Colonel Sanders was on his deathbed and all his family were sitting around his bed.

“You must tell us the secret ingredient so we can continue to sell your fried chicken” said his oldest child.

The Colonel barely able to move , beckoned his oldest child to him , “come…” he whispered before suddenly dying.

And they haven’t changed the recipe since.

Sorry, I mad...

Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a sex shop and asked to buy a vibrator.

The shop assistant beckoned with his finger and said " Can you come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."

the wise masters wisdom

As a young adventurer I visited the Himalayas and I heard of a long and beautiful hike at the end of which I could meet a wise master. The journey was as rewarding as it was a challenge, and at the end I found a little old man with a long beard and a handmade cane in a cave. I waved to him, and he b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?

They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan ...

A monk dies and goes to heaven...

He wakes up confused with an angel standing over him.

The monk exclaims "What! Where am I?"

"You are in heaven now my brother" The angel proudly states, then upon seeing that the monk seemed upset, asked "Is there anything wrong?"

"I can't believe this... can you take me to see...

A taste of Russian humor

Ivan had worked at the wheelbarrow factory for as long as anyone could remember, and the day of his retirement had finally arrived. He was well respected and even liked by all his coworkers, and his boss wanted to give him his last farewell at the end of his last day while he was walking out, so he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of my holiday, and I saw the most beautiful barmaid at the hotel's beach bar.

So I sat at the bar counter and beckoned her over.
"What can I get for you?" she asked seductively.
"Well, I'm on holiday and I fancy something *exotic*", I said with a wink. "How about a cocktail?"
I pointed one out from the menu and a couple of minutes later, she came back and hande...

A boy wishes to be Batman...

One day, a small ten year old boy was playing with his favorite Batman action figures in his attic when he found a strange lamp. Noticing how dusty it was, he decided to polish it a little. Before he knew it, out flew a magic genie.

"Greetings!" said the genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into labour...

Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside.

The midwife called the nurse
The nurse ca...

An armless man dreams of being a bell ringer

There was once a man with no arms, who dreamed of becoming the bell ringer at the local church. One morning, he was feeling confident, and went to speak to the priest. The priest was flabbergasted at the armless man's request.

"But, sir," the priest said, "I don't mean to be rude, but with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, ass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

Joe went to a party and met a woman sitting on a wooden chair with 3 small children around her

The woman happened to be Joe's long-lost aunt Froda, and upon seeing him, beckoned him to her. Froda told him, "These are my 3 children!"
She pointed to this first one.
"He is Watery."

"Why Watery?" Joe asked her.

"Cause when he was born, a droplet of water fell on his head."
...

A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.

Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who mad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are shipwrecked on an island... (long)

They decide to explore the island to look for food as they are quite hungry. After a while of searching they find a cabin hidden in the middle of the woods and there's smoke coming from the chimney.

The first man tells the second he'll go knock and check it out and that the other should stay ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zoo got some new animals

and after the exhibits were set up, the head zookeeper retired to his office for some paperwork. After a bit, one of the new animals, a gnu, stuck its head in his office and beckoned for him to follow. Intrigued, the zookeeper followed as the wildebeast led him back to the enclosure, where two mor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

There once was a man who went by the name of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Every morning and every afternoon he would go to the top of his tall bell tower and ring the bell. But he was getting old and it was getting too hard on his body. So he decided to put up advertisements for a new bell boy.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

A huge muscular man...

walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, your physique is really phenomenal, but why is your head so small?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns go to heaven

Four nuns, Sister Mary, Sister Catherine, Sister Theresa and Sister Constance were en route to deliver food to a poor mountain village when their bus slipped off the narrow road and fell down the mountain to their deaths. Naturally, the next moment they found themselves at the pearly gates where St....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.