Be Nice Jokes

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'... read more

Long

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer... read more

When a sheet of glass is disrespected, it experiences extreme discomfort for up to twelve minutes after.
This phenomenon is called window pain

without also hearing “...we need to ask you to leave.”

So you are not the target of pet-y revenge.

And English man a Chinese man and an Australian man were in a hot air balloon and it started to got down, the English man said quick we need to get rid of stuff we don't need so he throws out a tea pot and a mug, and says "we have to many of these in our country" the Chinese man throws out some ch... read more

and that's why economists say it's worthless

Now is an especially bad time to have them spit on your food. You never know...

They’re Just Kids

Remember, during these times they can poison you and it would be counted as COVID.

...Wooden tit

There's more of them.

Instead of thanking me, she, and everyone else on the plane, started screaming.

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
... read more

It's our 9/11.

and then they just scream and fly out of the plane, like, what the hell?

You don't want to hurt their fillings.

People are always dying to meet you.

they're the only culture some people have.

I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.



“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.



“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fi... read more

...when I serve breakfast in bed instead of "who are you" and "how did you get in here".

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course... read more

None of this 'how did I get into your house' business..

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

Now we can retire, It will be nice to relax and rewind