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Be Asleep Jokes

I used to try and slip into bed quietly, pretending to be asleep after coming home late after a night out with the guys but my wife always woke up...

But I found out that if I come in making as much noise as possible, stumble around a bunch, strip down naked, fall into bed and make obnoxious advances at her, she pretends she's asleep.

That's how to do it...

Bob and Marty were out drinking one night and were talking. Bob: I just can't seem to fool my wife, no matter what I do. I park the car a block from the house and walk the rest of the way. I enter the house as quietly as I can. I take of my shoes before I slowly climb the stairs. I get undressed in...

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

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Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other to stay for another drink

Man says, “I can’t. Every time I stay out late drinking my wife is furious.

I can’t even sneak in without her knowing. I shut off my car and headlights and coast into the driveway, open the door silently, creep up the stairs quiet as a mouse, take my clothes off in the bathroom and slide int...

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A bear walks into a bar...

and orders a beer. The bartender said "this is a beer bar. We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

"Oh yeah?" says the bear. "Well if you don't give me a beer right now, I am going to walk down to the other end of this bar and eat that pretty young lady."

The bartender looks at the bea...

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(Old Joke) A man is in a bar with his friend when he looks at his watch. "Oh shit, I have to get home, my wife's gonna kill me" the man exclaims

"Why? She'll be asleep-- stay for another drink, pal" his friend replies

"You don't understand-- I would drive the car real slow and quiet into our garage, tip-toe from there to the living room and up the stairs, quietly open the door, tip-toe, check if she's asleep --which she is, then slowl...

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I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump..

because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens.

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

I told my girlfriend that sometimes she makes me feel like a kid again.

She asked why and I said

Because you touch me inappropriately when I'm pretending to be asleep.

The reason it’s called the American dream

is because you have to be asleep to see it

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Two married men were at the bar...

...the one looks at the clock and tells his friend, "I'm not looking forward to going home. My wife is going to chew me out again for being away drinking so late. Every time I'm out like this I try to sneak back home and into bed without waking her so she doesn't know how late I've been out. I tu...

Why do they call it the American Dream?

Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

RIP George Carlin. He died 11 years ago yesterday.

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends...

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends.

When I was close to home I turned off my headlights, put the car in neutral and coasted up to the house. I closed the car door very quietly, took off my shoes and closed the front door very quietly. Carrying my shoes I tip toed up th...

My wife said to me the other day

"Why don't we play that game again tonight where you pretend to be a burglar with a mask on, sneak in the bedroom and take me roughly while I'm pretending to be asleep"



I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

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A guy in my English class was dissing my boy Oedipus.

So I said, "Well unlike you, he was unaware that he was fucking his mom."

...

I thought of this joke last night when I was supposed to be asleep. Someone tell me if this was already posted before.

Jeremy Clarkson on the farm.

After a disastrous first year on the farm Jeremy Clarkson hatches a new plan and gets ten sows and a hog to make lots of piglets.
He calls the vet and asks for any help and what to look for. The old vet tells him if the hog has been successful the sows will be asleep on their backs with all for ...

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You know you masturbate too much when...

both hands pretend to be asleep.

I hide my condoms in a box of Nyquil...

...if I use either, I'll blow a load and be asleep in 10 minutes.

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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