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A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?

Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.

Why don’t Russian sailors take showers at sea?

They prefer to wash up on shore

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

Why did the hippie die at sea?

He was too far out man

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.


"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".


The sailors are ...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat

They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.

Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns bla...

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

2000 people die at sea every year.

Let that sink in

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

An English ship is in distress at sea.

One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: “We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!”

A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: “Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?”

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer

Did you hear about the woman who gave birth at sea ?

She had to have an emergency sea-section.

(Oh! I haven't finished with this joke yet!)

She had a bouncing baby buoy.

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

A pirate captain was out at sea when his first mate ran to him suddenly...

The first mate shouted “Sir! Theres a ship on the horizon armed with 10 cannons and 100 men!”

The captain replied, “bring me my red shirt and prepare for battle!”

The pirates fight and win the battle, making off with all the treasure. A few days later, the first mate again run up yell...

A man gets shipwrecked at sea

After what felt like days floating on wreckage he washes up on an unknown shore.

He starts to wander around the beautiful land, the air smelled sweeter than any air he’d ever breathed, everything looked clearer than real life. His hunger suddenly hits him and he wished for a big sandwich and...

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,...

...so I took a tern for the wurst.

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."

It was his first day with the hook.

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea...

We’ll call them William and Patrick. William says to Patrick, “I fear this may be the end for us, my friend.” Patrick agrees, “aye, I think you may be right.” Suddenly, a genie appears and says he will grant the men a single wish. Patrick excitedly jumps up and says “could you turn the sea to Guinne...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore. The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?". The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste. She replies...

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

Two Irishmen are stranded at Sea when a genie appears...

“I will grant one wish” states the genie.

The first Irishman shouts, without consulting with the other, “I wish that this entire Ocean was made of beer!”

The second Irishman smacks the first in the back of the head. “You idiot!!”

“Now we have to pee in the boat!”

A sailor met a pirate, and they started talking about their adventures at sea.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asked, “so, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!...

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

A sailor returns to the shore after a month at sea.

Sailor: "Land ho!"


Girlfriend: "If you keep calling me that I'm going to stop coming to meet you."

A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one “Who are you?” The creature responds “We’re Trids! We just go up the hill,” as they point to a hill in the distance, “and a giant k...

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A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea...

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" The redhead then decides to take her ...

Did you hear about the Polish admiral who wanted to be buried at sea?

6 men died trying to dig his grave

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Two men were cast away at sea

They landed on a island and were captured by the native people. They were taken to the tribal chief and he told them "you have two choices watuk watuk or death". The first cast away chose watuk watuk and a native with the biggest 13 inch cock came in and fucked the castaway. The second cast away sa...

There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.

One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.

They collide...

All the survivors were marooned.

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.

Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".

Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.

Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.

A ship at sea was approached by 2 pirate ships...

The captain of the ship tells his men to get ready for battle, and orders his first mate to go get his red shirt.

After they defeated the pirate ship the first mate approaches the captain and asks “captain why did you want me to get you a red shirt?is it a lucky shirt?”

The captain ans...

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A sailor walked into a bar after a long time at sea.

Desperate to get down to business, he walked up to a sexy blonde and asked, “Hey baby, do you like sea men?”

She replied, “Not really. Too salty!”

Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

[At sea] Pirate 1: I can’t wait to see my wife again.

Pirate 2: Land ho!

Pirate 1: Screw you! That’s really rude!

What do they say at SeaWorld when something goes wrong

Oh the humanatee

A Man is sinking at sea...

In the state of emergency, he follows routine and calls the local coastguard:

''Help, I'm sinking! I'm sinking!''

The German on the other side quickly replies:

''Yes yes, but vat are you sinking about?!''

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On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

When it comes to getting lost at sea,

I’m in a league of my own.

How do pirates celebrate when they meet at sea?

With a boarding party!

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

Why did the Surfer get lost at Sea?

Cuz he never learned the alphabet.

Why can't Ajit Pai be buried at sea?

There are laws against dumping human garbage in an ocean

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Did you hear about the guy who was caught having sex at Sea World?

Apparently he did it on porpoise.

There was a fire at Sea World.

Over the intercom, everyone was told to calmly make their way to the exits.
Some staff stayed behind to secure the animals and maybe stop the blaze.
The Pool Manager noticed Timmy was at the entrance of the building with the fire.
He saw Timmy was throwing dead seals across the doorway.
...

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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked at sea...

They wash up on an island where they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The Chief of the tribe says to the three men,"We are going to sacrifice all of you, eat you, and use your skins for a canoe. We will allow you each to choose how you die." The Brit asks for poison. The Chief hands him a cup a...

What do the Greeks sing while at sea?

ρ ρ ρ your boat, gently down the stream...

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[NSFW][LONG]It gets lonely out at sea

A sailor has been out at sea for 6 months and when his boat finally arrived in Bangkok he decided to seek some companionship. The problem was that he hadn't gotten paid yet and all he had was 75 cents and the bus costs 25 cents each way but he was determined so he hopped on the bus to the red light ...

Did you here about the pilgrim who was conceived at sea?

Her parents came in the Mayflower.

A religious man is on his boat at sea

A religious man is on his boat at sea. Hes all alone when his boat starts to sink. Luckily a nearby boat sees that he is sinking and goes over to rescue him. The rescuer shouts from his boat "climb aboard, ill save you". The religious man shouts back "no thank you, god will save me." So the rescuer ...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a small boat

They drift for days. One day a lamp floats up and the one feller picks it up and gives it a rub. A Gennie pops out and says "Thank you for waking me, you get 1 wish." The Irishmen blurts out without thinking "I wish the whole fookin ocean was made of whiskey!!" Boom the water turns to smooth Iri...

I heard the boat lost at sea was the best boat around.

It had no piers.

"Captain, have you ever made love at sea?"

"No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."

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There's a disaster at sea.

Only three guys and one girl survive and are washed up on a island god knows were.

Knowing that they are probably stranded for a long time they decide to start making a shelter, collecting food, making rudimentary weapons and any other shit stranded people do.

Time pass and no sign of ...

Why do you want to be buried at sea?

Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

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I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors...

business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves.

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.

The other was stranded.

After being at sea for six months

After being at sea for six months the working man heads to the local cat house. He picks the woman he wants & they go into a room.
As she is getting undressed the man starts stuffing cotton in his nose & ears.

She asks him, "What is all that cotton for?"

He replies, "There ...

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A sailor gets shore leave after 4 months at sea, and goes into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Man, I want to have sex in the worst way!"

The bartender replies, "How about standing up in a hammock, during a rainstorm?"

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a man joins the navy

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you,...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

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Island life

A man got a nice new high performance boat for seafaring. On his maiden voyage, he decided to take his two most trusty companions, his dog and his goat.

While at sea, a massive storm hits, and man, dog, and goat end up stranded on a desert island. The man finds wood and builds shelter, fishes...

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A Pirate walks into his local tavern.

He has just returned from a long venture out at sea and hasn’t been there for a while.

The bartender sees him and immediately screams, “Holy hell, what happen to your leg?”

Pirate: “What do you mean?”

Bartender: “What do I mean?! you got a bloody piece of wood where your leg was...

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

My ex saw me yesterday and told me when I die she promises she'll dance on my grave

'Good' I said, 'I'm being buried at sea'

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Two Irishmen are on a cruise when the ship encounters trouble.

The ship breaks in two and sinks rapidly and the two Irishmen are the only survivors, having secured a small lifeboat. They are adrift at sea with no land in sight. Suddenly they see something floating on the waves. It's a small, ancient lamp, and when they retrieve it and dry it off a genie suddenl...

Mr. Johnson decided to go yachting one day, when he became lost.

After being out at sea for three days, Mr. Johnson looked up and saw a huge cruise ship sailing towards him. The enormous ship halted next to the yacht.

"Thank goodness you showed up!" shouted Mr. Johnson. "I've been lost for three days."

The captain looked down from the ship and said,...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

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A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

I'm actually glad there are people who would dance on my grave, because the joke is on them.

I'm getting buried at sea.

The pirate joke (This isn't my joke)

A pirate Captain is surveying his crew on Deck as they set out to see on a long voyage. He notices a new lad mopping the deck and decides to greet him.
"I welcome you to our long endeavor on the high sea" said the captain
"Thank you cap'n sir" said the crew lad, but then followed. "Uh sir... I...

Why can’t pirates sing the alphabet?

Because they get lost at sea!
(My friend told me this idk if someone else posted before)

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

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First Day in the Navy

It was a young man’s first day on assignment in the Navy, and he was getting toured around the ship, his new home. His supervisor was rattling through his spiel,

“Here’s the bow, here’s the stern, mess hall, sleeping quarters, blah blah blah”,

The young guy says,

“great great,...

Yo Mama so fat...

she had to get baptised at Sea World!

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Sailors and Sex

A newly recruited sailor is preparing for this first long journey.

Aboard the ship, he's making acquaintances and realizes that there are no women on board.

He asks one the captain. "Captain, what does everyone do when they get horny after being out at sea for so long?" to which the c...

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