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31st Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make sure to poop before midnight on 31st December.

You don't want to hold on to previous year's shit.

My friend said “It’s June 31st!”

I told him “July’d”.

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

On the the 31st of October...

A group of friends were playing with an Ouija board in the attic of one of their houses. They lit 4 candles around the board and placed their hands on the planchet.

One of them asks: "Oh spirit of the board, how will I die?"
Silence followed...

Another asks: "Oh spirit of the boar...

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

December 31st of this year will be Ramones day.

When 2020 has 24 hours to go.

What do burn victims celebrate on October 31st?

Aloe-ween

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On October 31st, we will have a full moon, and the 7th planet from the sun will be its brightest...

So when someone sees the moon that day, they will likely see Uranus too...

Apparently I was supposed to wait until October 31st to dress up like a ghost.

Guess I spook too soon.

On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old, but no one ever celebrates it.

Except for me. And that was a very lonely night.

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year...

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

Dyslexics Beware! (OC)

Tomorrow is Friday the 31st!

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

My gym teacher was shouting at me like “Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!”

It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad being an asshole to an 8 year old

Best April Fools Day joke; i was like 7 or 8, my dad and I are talking trash all of March 31st about who is gonna prank who better. Morning of april 1st my dad wakes me up and rushes me into the shower, has me change my clothes, and eat breakfast. As I'm about to head out to the bus stop I noticed i...

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke)

They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died.
The first man steps forward and says,"Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and...

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