There are approximately 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole.

This is known as avocado’s number.

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

It is 02/02/2020 so if you're into palindromes...

I guess this is your Super Bowl or something

Yesterday was 02/02/2020

You could say it was a twos day

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

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Three vampires just casually sitting on a bench at 02.00 am.

They all get hungry and the first one leaves them to find some fresh blood.
He returns after 30 minutes with some blood dripping from his chin.

“Where have you been?” The other two vampires ask.

“Do you see that light over there?” he asks them. “Yes” the others reply.

“There...

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Brutus”

Brutus: “This is an unusual paper size for a t...

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After years of flirting and begging, Kate Moss finally agreed to go on a date with Mick Jagger.

She texted him to pick her up at her upmarket apartment in London at 19:00. When the time came, she was all dressed up, sitting on her couch, waiting for the doorbell to ring. She was extremely excited about the date, as she had heard "big" things of Mick, and even decided to go on the date comman...

back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men...

Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, "exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

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My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."

It sounds much better than "February"

Official Coronavirus Count over time in North Korea

12.01: 1


12.02: 0


13.16: 1


13.17: 0


16.24: 1


16.25: 0


...


...


...

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**

**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**

***Think about it.....***

01, No Sports.

02, All Pubs to shut.

03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*

04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY K...

What's the best time to go the dentist?

02:30

One day a man died, and went to heaven.

I’m heaven, the man saw Father Time, surrounded by billions of clocks.

“What are all these clocks for?” asked the man.

Father Time replied, “every time someone tells a lie, their clock goes forward a minute”.

He pulled out a clock that was at exactly 12:00.

“This clock...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

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I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a c...

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Family First (original joke)

Mr. Scott Lood was a poor little farmer from Illinois who paid the bills by churning butter all day and all night. He came from a family of dairy farmers: his father was a cream maker, and his father before him a cheese maker. There was little money to be made in this line of work- so little in fact...

A man dies and goes to gates of Saint Peter

Once up there he sees thousands upon thousands of clocks behind Saint Peter. He asks him

"What are all those clocks for?"

"Well, every person gets a clock as soon as they're born, and every time they tell lie the handles move forward one minute. You see here this is the clock of Abraha...

Translated Indian Joke

A man is leaving his village for the first time to visit the big city. His fellow villagers don't want him to get ripped off, so they give him some advice - never agree to the seller's price... always ask for half the price.

So the man arrives at the city, and sees an umbrella store. He heads...

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Tapeworm

So a guy complaining of stomach issues goes to the doctor. Doctor discovers the guy has a tapeworm.

"Doc ... what do I do?" moans the guy.

"Nothing to worry about," says the doctor. "Here is what you do. Every day at exactly 3:00 in the afternoon I want you to shove a hot dog up your a...

A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered

A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered
with clocks. He asked St. Peter, what's with the clocks? St. Peter explained that everyone was assigned a clock, and each time they told a lie, the clock would move ahead one minute.
The man saw a clock at...

I went to a bookstore the other day ...

After wandering around for a while, an employee in a colored apron approached me.

"Can I help you find anything, sir?"

"Oh, yes. Sure. I'm looking for a book about turtles."

"Hardback?" she inquired.

"Yep, and little heads."

---

Retelling of a joke by Mark ...

I asked Luke Perry what today's date was, and he said...

9/02/10!

This joke is only funny today, once in a lifetime joke! Spread the love

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Captain's log

31.08.1883
We sailed to the West,we hope to find a new continent.Crew is in good mood, food is excellent, 5 girls from the harbor are with us and they are very happy.

31.10.1883
Compass died, we are navigating using the stars and the suns (when it's not cloudy,fu*king clouds)
Crew is...

Speeding Blonde Joke

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”



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Drinking joke from Finland

Pekka and Jukka are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. For 3 days they are drinking like hell, before they finally run out of booze. So Pekka says to his mate: “Go and look in th shed. Maybe there’s something left we can drink.”
Jukka returns after a few minutes with a bottle of menth...

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