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Vill Jokes

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-ville or Loo-ee-ville?

Wrong. It's pronounced Frank-fort.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky: Louis-ville or Lou-ee-ville?

Frankfort

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International train ride to FaceslapVille

A Pole, a Russian, a nun, and a blonde ride the train from Warsaw to Szczebrzeszyn

Suddenly, a tunnel appears and the lights are out.

Then BAM! A faceslap!

Train reemerges from the tunnel and the Russian has a red face

The Nun thinks: "He must've grabbed the thigh of the...

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

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I went to the fortune teller…

She said, “yooo vill have zeee tained soul.”

Annoyed at another fake fortune, I paid her, left, then stepped on a turd.

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One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp

In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.

"Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-do...

Wanna see my impression of a German Shepherd?

"*ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!* YOU SHEEPS *VILL* GO INTO ZE PASTURE, UND YOU *VILL* HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

Ruth went to her doctor for a check up

The doctor told her, "You have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."

When she arrived home, Ruth told her husband "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he said to me 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel....

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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him.

"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"

The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest...

Two German explorers

Two German explorers were making their way east across New York when they came to a wide river.

Karl: How vill vee get across dee large body of vater?

The other explorer sees a large, steel object north of them.

Heinrich: Look der es und structure dat vee can use to cross
<...

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A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we ...

A few friends are about to get to Louisville and they start arguing over how it's pronounced.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They can't wait to ask one of the employees how they say it to prove who's right. They all go up to the counter and one says, "...

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gestapo.

Gestapo who?

VE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS!

The Genie

An old Jew, who owned an antique shop, was in the back room one day looking for pieces to put out front. As he worked, he picked up an old oil lamp, and began polishing it with his rag. As he worked, a giant Genie popped out and announced "You have released me from my prison! For this, I will gra...

How many Gestapo agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!!

Courtesy of my brain throwing up random memories from primary school

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

knock knock

"Who's there?"
"KGB."
"KGB wh--"
[slap recipient of the joke] "Vee vill ask za questions!"

Donald and Vladimir take a vacation.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin take a trip to Brokeback Mountain.

The two decide it's best for Putin to drive.

Half way up the sketchy mountain, Trump spots a donkey with it's head stuck in a fence.

"We need to do something!", Trump exclaims uncharacteristically.

"Ah y...

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

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Black guy and Jewish Genie

A black man is walking along the beach one day, when he finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Jewish Genie.
"I vill grant you 3 vishes"
Without hesitating, the man says "I wanna be White, Tight, and out of sight!"
*POOF*
He turns into a tampon ....
...

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Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

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Three explorers--a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker--were trekking through the jungle when they were captured by pygmies.

"I've got good news and bad news," says the chief. "The bad news is that we're going to cook you, skin you, and make canoes out of your skin."

"That's terrible!" exclaims the Brit, "What's the good news?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We'll let you choose the manner of your death, and...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

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