The NSA is:

a government organization that actually listens to you!

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

NSA

My sister just told me that she taped up the **camera** because she's afraid of being spied on by the **NSA**.

*I laughed*

*she laughed*

*the smartphone laughed*

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

NSA's pick up lines:

"Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was Snowden

The NSA walks into a bar

The bartender says "Hey! I've got a new joke you're gonna love!"

NSA smiles. "Heard it."

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."

I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

What does the Sticker on a NSA PC say?

Intel Inside

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden.

(I'll see myself out)

Why are NSA agents great cab drivers?

Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSA

In some small town, there was a military base next to a small farm. The NSA got reports that the farm has been listening all the bases communications. So bunch of NSA agents show at the doorstep of the farm. One young agent goes to the farmer and tells him:

"I am from the NSA and we have repo...

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.

Lenin...

What does NSA stand for (as of apr 5, 2017) ?

Nuñes Steps Aside

Mississippi should be the headquarters of the NSA

'Cause it's got i's everywhere

I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA

They asked me to email myself the resume

How does a Russian hacker get its malware onto the NSA's computers?

By in-Stalin it.

Why is the NSA such a good listener?

Because they know where you're coming from.

Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

A phone rings - Hi, this is NSA.

Hi, yeah I know.

You do? How?

Well you are calling a phone that has no SIM card or battery in it.


^((Translated from Russian, I don't think much is lost by replacing FSB))

How do you tell the difference between and introvert and an extrovert at the NSA?

Extroverts look down at other people's shoes.

I think we're looking at the NSA spying thing the wrong way, there are potential positives.

Soon if you forget your email password you'll be able to ring the CIA and they'll remind you.

Why didn't the NSA agent cross the road?

He was snowed in.

The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia.

NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.

Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.

Why didn't the NSA request AT&T's phone records?

Because they can't monitor all those dropped calls!

I overheard a guy complaining angrily about the NSA tracking him

Some people are so annoying when they have a chip on their shoulder.

- Hi, this is NSA calling. - Yes, I know. - How do you know?

-- My phone is turned off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the NSA only do anal?

Because they backdoor their way into everything.

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?

He's snowed in.

What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA?

Jalapeno Business...........

What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit?

What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit? Looks like we're snowed in.

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________
**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens

Where do you work?

— NSA
— tell me something interesting
— about me or about you?

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

How do you protect your home?

You put up an Al Qaida flag, then you will have the Nsa, CIA and FBI watching you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Ever forgotten a password?

Just call your local NSA agent and ask!

I can't believe Trump wants to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] with his [REDACTED] up his [REDACTED]

WTF? I thought the NSA wasn't getting paid. Damn they work fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.

The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. Af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

What difference does an "A" make?

Between NASA and NSA--it's astronomical.

Your mama is so fat...

The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.

Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

NSA: They’re.

I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy.

It's called "NSA: An Essay."

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

When I feel like I have nobody to talk to...

I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.

LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry!

Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up

Trump and Putin are just finishing up their phone conversation.

Trump: Go ahead and hang up, Vladimir.
Putin: No, Donald, please, you hang up first.
Trump: No you hang up first.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up...

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter....

... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:


370HSSV 0773H


All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets ang...

Topical Jokes for 6/1

A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever.

In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman.

The NSA is reportedly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can't please Americans

For years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA.

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...

Does Santa work for the NSA?

What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

Ask the NSA for a backup.

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