UPJOKE
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Nsa Jokes

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"
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Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.
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"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"
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I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.
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NSA

My sister just told me that she taped up the **camera** because she's afraid of being spied on by the **NSA**.

*I laughed*

*she laughed*

*the smartphone laughed*
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How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.
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I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."
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A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."
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What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between NASA and the NSA?

One seeks to probe Uranus and the other seeks to probe your anus.

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
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Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was Snowden
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSA

In some small town, there was a military base next to a small farm. The NSA got reports that the farm has been listening all the bases communications. So bunch of NSA agents show at the doorstep of the farm. One young agent goes to the farmer and tells him:

"I am from the NSA and we have repo...

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times
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Why does the NSA hate the winter?

They got snowed in.
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Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
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Why are NSA agents great cab drivers?

Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.
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The NSA walks into a bar

The bartender says "Hey! I've got a new joke you're gonna love!"

NSA smiles. "Heard it."
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[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden.

(I'll see myself out)
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I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"
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Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?
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How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
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Mississippi should be the headquarters of the NSA

'Cause it's got i's everywhere
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A phone rings - Hi, this is NSA.

Hi, yeah I know.

You do? How?

Well you are calling a phone that has no SIM card or battery in it.


^((Translated from Russian, I don't think much is lost by replacing FSB))
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I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.
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Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.
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After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
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The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia.

NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.

Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.
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I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA

They asked me to email myself the resume
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What does NSA stand for (as of apr 5, 2017) ?

Nuñes Steps Aside
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Why didn't the NSA agent cross the road?

He was snowed in.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the NSA only do anal?

Because they backdoor their way into everything.

Why didn't the NSA request AT&T's phone records?

Because they can't monitor all those dropped calls!
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I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens
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The NSA just intercepted a message from Vladimir Putin to Melenia Trump.

It said,"good, now that you are First Lady, GET MOOSE AND SQUIRREL!"
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I overheard a guy complaining angrily about the NSA tracking him

Some people are so annoying when they have a chip on their shoulder.
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Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?

He's snowed in.
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Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.
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What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA?

Jalapeno Business...........
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Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Ever forgotten a password?

Just call your local NSA agent and ask!
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A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...
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Your mama is so fat...

The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
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Where do you work?

— NSA
— tell me something interesting
— about me or about you?
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Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

 

 

 

 

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**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]
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God is always listening..

...besides Google, Facebook, NSA, FBI, CIA.
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What difference does an "A" make?

Between NASA and NSA--it's astronomical.
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How do you protect your home?

You put up an Al Qaida flag, then you will have the Nsa, CIA and FBI watching you.
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I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy.

It's called "NSA: An Essay."
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Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

NSA: They’re.
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I can't believe Trump wants to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] with his [REDACTED] up his [REDACTED]

WTF? I thought the NSA wasn't getting paid. Damn they work fast.
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LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^
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I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.
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When I feel like I have nobody to talk to...

I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.
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He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...

Does Santa work for the NSA?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.

The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. Af...
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It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter....

... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:


370HSSV 0773H


All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets ang...
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