An elderly couple had travelled to Jerusalem.

During their travel to Jerusalem, the wife had suddenly died of heart attack.

The doctor told the husband, "It will cost roughly $100,000 for you to bring your wife back to your own country and hold a funeral there or $100 dollars to hold a funeral here in Jerusalem. Which one do you chose?"<...

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A businessman travelled to japan

...to attend an important meeting with a local company's CEO. The evening before the meeting, he was anxious and decided to find some distraction by ordering a prostitute to his hotel room. The sex was good and the woman kept yelling "Hai to, hai to, hai tooooo!" until they were finished. He did not...

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If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

Why is *traveled* spelled *travelled* by the British?

Because they traveled home with that *L* in 1783

An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.

He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he bare...

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The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

Friend: My advice for your date —-Girls like it when they think you’re well travelled.

Me, later at the date: I took 5 different buses to get here.

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

I took the road less travelled by

But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert Frost

What do you call an Indian man who has travelled all over, and experienced many things?

Binder Dundat

Have you heard the joke about the time I time travelled?

No? Alright, I’ll tell you yesterday.

A man travelled forward in time and logged onto reddit.

He went to r/Jokes but couldn't understand anything because people just posted numbers everywhere and replied like it was really funny.




He asked what was the deal with all the numbers. A man replied "Many years ago, jokes were being told over and over again, being reposted, so we...

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train.

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticatead 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old—wh...

Did you hear about the two bros who travelled around the world while high?

It was a joint venture.

I travelled to Asia with my wife

Came back with 500$

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

One day, a young man found a ring on the side of the street…

He picked it up and noticed words that ran around the ring saying “If found, please return to New Zealand.”

Finding it a bit odd that he had found this ring in America, he deduced that the ring was lost by a tourist. The man then decided, with the help of his best friend, Sean, to journey to ...

Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Cyclops heard of the birth of Jesus and decided to pay him a visit

They had travelled many miles following a star, until they came to Bethlehem.

Finally, the found the stable wherein the tiny baby lay in a manger, watched over by his mother Mary.

They knelt before the babe and asked of his mother, "May we worship the holy child?"

Sadly she s...

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.

She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her...

Simple economics

A man travelled to the USA in hopes of bettering his life for him and his family. When he arrived he opened up a furniture shop and a lingere shop.

After 6 months he was doing very well and wrote to his wife:

Dear wife,
Please pack up and come to me in the USA. I have sold 100 matr...

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A visit to the pope

A man walks into the barber's and says "I don't mind what you do so long as it looks smart, I'm going to see the pope".

"Oh not the pope! He's done nothing for the faith. I went to see him a while ago and he never even appeared. They said he wasn't feeling well. Pathetic if you ask me, lett...

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A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"

"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked....

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant...

...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.

'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediatly light a candle for you,' he promises.

Time passes and the priest re...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

An intelligent young lady, Miss Bright

She travelled far faster than light,

Leaving one day in a relative way,

Arriving home the previous night.

The Rabbi in Trinidad

Once upon a time, there lived an Israeli Rabbi.  He was a kind old man who always meant well, and was well liked, even if he could be a little over zealous at times.  He heard one day that there was a spot being offered as a missionary to travel to a small village in Trinidad and teach the town's fo...

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A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the ...

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The Magic Dildo

They say that love knows no bounds. In the case of Donkey and the Dragon, this is true. However, even though the two loved each other, Donkey quickly realized that the differences in their sizes meant that he couldn't please the Dragon with his little Pinocchio.

Wanting the best for his loved...

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Monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hear...

My grandfather cracked this joke...

I had gone to visit my grandfather, a well-travelled man, and was telling him about my trip: the towering buildings, ornate architecture, and warm beaches of the cities I'd visited en route to his home town. I told him how all the walking had made me develop a blister on the bottom of my foot, and t...

Three Nights Drunk - Folksong [Long]

Late one night when I came home
So drunk I couldn't see,
I saw a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be.

Wifey dear, oh wifey dear,
Oh please explain to me,
How come a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be?

You old fool, you stupid fool,
It's plain...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

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The Man with an Orange for a Head

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"

Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."

Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks ...

Three russian sons set out to prove their manliness by wrestling bears.

The first son returns, sits down and says "father I travelled to vladivastok forest and wrestled a black bear whilst topless"

The father shakes his head and says "you are no son of mine. Leave now"

The second son returns home and says " father I travelled to the forests of poland and w...

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A guy sees an ad in the paper...

..."Talking dog for sale--$500," it says. So this guy is pretty intrigued and goes to check it out. He meets with the owner who points him in the direction of the backyard where the dog is chained up.

The owner approaches the dog, who promptly greets the man as soon as he sees him. "Hello!" s...

Native American Joke: "Chief Jumping Bear, there's just one thing I don't understand: In my dream, there was this... bacon tree."

A long, long time ago, when white man first came to the Americas, there was a tribe living happily in a land with plentiful running streams, plentiful forests, and plentiful beavers. And for many, many generations, they were happy.

But one year, the plentiful running streams dried up, the ple...

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