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The Way Jokes

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

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I like my sex the way I like my car insurance

Paid for by my parents

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

Why do people love the way the earth rotates?

Because it really makes their day.

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

My girlfriend didn’t like the way she looked in the mirror…

… so I decided I’d do what I could to restore her vanity. Got all the parts needed at Home Depot.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

I like my coffee the way I like Elon Musk

Freshly roasted

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" sa...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...

On the way to his office..

a man walks past a mental asylum surrounded by wooden walls. As he walks past, he can hear the patients chant: "16! 16! 16! 16!"

He was so curious about the chant that he tried to look for a hole on the wall to peer into. He finally found one and he peered his eye into it only to be poked by ...

Where there is the will, there is the way...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the h...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

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I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

I just quit my job in the helium factory because of the way management spoke to me.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

What's the one thing that changed the way you see the world?

For me it was glasses

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is i...

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I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

I was rear-ended on the way to work today...

I couldn't sit down for hours

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

My dad always told me, “Do what you hate the most the first thing in the morning and get it out of the way.”

Every year, he calls me on my birthday at 6 a.m..

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I like my sex the way I like my pickpocketing.

Nowhere near security cameras.

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

The way you golf…

takes a lot of balls

Steve Irwin died the way he lived

With animals in his heart.

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

"I like the way you think!"

Teacher calls on little Timmy in class one day, asking "If there are fourteen birds on a fence, and you shoot three of them with a gun, how many are left?"

Timmy says, "None--the gunshot would have scared 'em all away."

Teacher replies, "No, that's wrong--it's eleven, but I like the wa...

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor

Everyone

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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

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Lubrication is the way to go....

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.He didn’t have much luck until he came across a Harley which had a ‘for sale’ sign on it.The bike looks better than a new one and although it’s 10 years old.It’s shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition f...

I was being followed last night, so I drove all the way to the police station.

"Well done for handing yourself in," said the officer. "You gave us a good chase."

A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home

"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"

"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."

I've found the way I use Q-tips is

Ear-responsible.

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

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