The Time Jokes - 29 Hilarious The Time Jokes

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.

She's a keeper.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

I was dating a girl from Romania, but she only wanted to vacation in Italy all the time

After our 17th trip in 3 years, I found I had misunderstood her on our first date, when she'd confessed to having Rome-mania

My girl friend broke up with me because I listen to linkin park all the time.

But in the end, It doesn't even matter.

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I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time.

It's a little, fit bunny.

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Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

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Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

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Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?

She worked knights.

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

I am dreading the time when Mr. Musk's scandal come out.

I just know Elon-gate will keep stretching on.

My girlfriend said I have "body odour issues" all the time when she gets home.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her. "I shower after every shift."

She said, "You only work one day a week."

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

You hear about the time Erwin Schrödinger got pulled over?

Since Dr. Schrödinger was driving a little erratically, the cop asked to search his car. He opened the trunk and found a dead cat inside. Repulsed, the cop shouts “Hey buddy, you know you got a dead cat in here?” Schrödinger retorts: “Well, I do now!”

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

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