Thanos Jokes

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Half and Half

is Rotten Tomatoes.

But he had a hand in it.

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

Another One Bites the Dust

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

A snapping turtle.

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,... read more

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

It fits his personality like a glove.

Because everytime he makes a snap, half of his friend list disappear.

Through Thanose.

He needs to snap back from reality

Goneorrhea.

ThanOS

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

Ash Wednesday

Because nobody cared about the balances more than he did.

He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.

Ginger snaps

Because it's part of a well balanced breakfast

Thanos had to snap twice.

He has blue balls.

Just Do It

(would also accept uses young children to complete goals.

A check mark. The lines that make it aren’t perfectly balanced

The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels.

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

Obviously Snapchat

The racist, Tyrone, says: "I need it - so I can remove all the asian people. I really don't like them".

The misandrist, Evelyn, says: "No I need it more - so I can remove all men from existence!"

"Don't be silly! If you remove all the men, women will die out too!" Tyrone shout... read more

Snapple

Half-Life.

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

The rosetta stone

Only 3000 people in China disappeared

Gwen stacy's neck

Half life

A sole for a soul

He Snapped

He must be really into crop dusting

Snapchat

Because he makes snappy judgements!

He snapped

Because it’s fair and perfectly balanced.

The books would always be balanced.

With a balanced diet.

"I AM THORRRR!!!"

His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

Snap peas

The Cleveland browns.

So far the have:

1 Regulatory Win

1 Overtime Win

1 Tie

1 Overtime Loss

1 Regulatory Loss


Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

A Snapple!

Edit: Slogan
“After a hard earned Snapture, drink a refreshing Snapple! “

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

Its just inevitable.

In the Infinity Pool.

..It’s named SnapChat

The glove didn’t fit.

New Balance.

He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone.

Thanos wearing the Infinity Gauntlet while playing a Jet in a production of West Side Story

Because reality is often disappointing.

I'd think he'd own the Titanic

He's a member of Snap fitness.
Sorry, had to blow the dust off of this joke.

He snapped.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

For one, they were both hammered.

Thanos loves 1500

3/4 of the universe dies.

DooDooDooDoo *click* *click*

He'd be sent to the Infinity Ward

It'll be a "snap decision."

Snapchat

I would have 1500$