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Thanos Jokes

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

What is Thanos' favorite dairy product?

Half and Half

Thanos wasn't completely responsible for all the deaths caused by the Infinity Gauntlet...

But he had a hand in it.

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

what is Thanos favorite song?

Another One Bites the Dust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't the Avengers fight Thanos in the dark?

Their Vision's fucking useless.

When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

What STD did Thanos give the Avengers?

Goneorrhea.

Why thanos don't like selfies ?

Because everytime he makes a snap, half of his friend list disappear.

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

Thanos X John Wick

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

Why does Thanos love Snapchat?

It fits his personality like a glove.

I saw Thanos hallucinating

He needs to snap back from reality

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

How does Thanos smell things?

Through Thanose.

What operating system does Thanos' devices run on?

ThanOS

Thanos used to be an accountant back on Titan...

Because nobody cared about the balances more than he did.

What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

Thanos would have made a great President.

He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a thanos quote that can be used In sex?

“I’m sorry little one.”

What’s Thanos’ favorite kind of cookie?

Ginger snaps

What does Thanos, Nike, and Darth Sidious have in common?

Just Do It

(would also accept uses young children to complete goals.

Why does Thanos eat cereal?

Because it's part of a well balanced breakfast

Why doesn't Thanos have a daughter of his own?

He has blue balls.

What is thanos’ least favorite symbol?

A check mark. The lines that make it aren’t perfectly balanced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does thanos and marriage has in common?

Both can take away half your shit with a snap of a finger

Why does Thanos Car have top of the line tires?

The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels.

I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

What is Thanos favourite social media?

Obviously Snapchat

A racist, a misandrist and a misanthropist kills Thanos

The racist, Tyrone, says: "I need it - so I can remove all the asian people. I really don't like them".

The misandrist, Evelyn, says: "No I need it more - so I can remove all men from existence!"

"Don't be silly! If you remove all the men, women will die out too!" Tyrone shout...

What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Snapple

What is Thanos' favourite game?

Half-Life.

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

How can Thanos speak english?

The rosetta stone

Thanos snaps his fingers

Only 3000 people in China disappeared

What snapped harder than Thanos' finger?

Gwen stacy's neck

What’s Thanos’s favorite video game?

Half life

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

What'd Thanos do when the avengers made him mad?

He Snapped

So Thanos is a farmer now...

He must be really into crop dusting

What’s thanos’s favorite social media platform?

Snapchat

Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?

Because he makes snappy judgements!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanos was pissed

And then he just snapped

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

Why does Thanos watch Fox News?

Because it’s fair and perfectly balanced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Thanos' favourite sex position ?

34,5

Thanos would make a great accountant

The books would always be balanced.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?"

"I AM THORRRR!!!"

His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

What is Thanos' favourite vegetable to snack on?

Snap peas

What is Thanos Favorite Football team?

The Cleveland browns.

So far the have:

1 Regulatory Win

1 Overtime Win

1 Tie

1 Overtime Loss

1 Regulatory Loss


Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

What is one of Thanos’ favorite things to drink?

A Snapple!

Edit: Slogan
“After a hard earned Snapture, drink a refreshing Snapple! “

(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s Thanos’s sexual preference?

Bisexual. Because he likes to keep his relationships balanced.

What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

Thanos jokes always seem to crack me up

Its just inevitable.

Where does Thanos like to swim?

In the Infinity Pool.

Thanos, Hulk, and IronMan created a group chat...

..It’s named SnapChat

Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

What is Thanos' favorite sneaker brand?

New Balance.

Thanos appears in the Universe of Steven Universe

He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone.

What's the only thing more terrifying than Thanos wearing the Infinity Gauntlet?

Thanos wearing the Infinity Gauntlet while playing a Jet in a production of West Side Story

Why does Thanos drink red bush tea?

Because reality is often disappointing.

If Thanos owned a ship,

I'd think he'd own the Titanic

How come Thanos is so buff and strong?

He's a member of Snap fitness.
Sorry, had to blow the dust off of this joke.

In Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos absolutely went crazy.

He snapped.

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

Thor and Thanos actually had many similarities in Endgame.

For one, they were both hammered.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Thanos?

Thanos loves 1500

What happens when Thanos watches The Addams Family?

3/4 of the universe dies.

DooDooDooDoo *click* *click*

If Thanos ever had to go to a hospital

He'd be sent to the Infinity Ward

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Ant Man did beat Thanos by crawling up his butt

Would it be considered an inside job?

After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

Which app does Thanos use to communicate with half of the universe? (Infinity War Spoilers)

Snapchat

If I had a dollar for every time that Thanos told me he loves me

I would have 1500$

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