Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

A bee that won’t stop eating

Will become a little chub-bee

I need to stop eating my troubles away ,

said the hamster mother of six, five, four...

101 ways to stop eating meat...

Number 34: Cold Turkey

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

I can't stop eating left-over Thanksgiving..

I guess I need to quit cold turkey.

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

Went to the doctor's the other day for a check up and told me i must stop eating bacon

As it brings me out in rashers

I tried to get my friend to stop eating Canada...

But he was having Nunavut.

^^^the ^^^pronunciation ^^^doesn't ^^^work ^^^that ^^^way ^^^but ^^^whatever ^^^it's ^^^OC

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta

Now I'm feeling cannelloni

I can’t stop eating these weed brownies my mom made.

I guess I have an edible complex

My dentist told me to stop eating burgers.

This left me in shock. "Why?" I said.
"Beacuse Im trying to fix your teeth and its in my way"

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

I really, really need to stop eating clocks

It is very time consuming

I had to stop eating alphabet soup.

I kept developing a vowel blockage.

My doctor told me to stop eating transfats

Man, I'm going to miss Tinder.

How do you know when you should stop eating?

When you start wearing the same bra size as your wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwi...

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.

I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my masturbation time too much.

Wife makes cornflakes for her husband.

After eating, the husband says to his wife. "Darling I think you forgot to add cornflakes to milk. Please add cornflakes next time."
Wife: "I'll do that, but you have got to stop eating with the mask on"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor complaining about his dick...

"Doctor! My dick, it's turning orange!" "How many times do I have to tell you," responded the doc, "You have to stop eating Cheetos while you're masturbating!"

Note: This joke was much funnier when I heard it in a comedy club told by a quadriplegic man!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.

Doc: I apologize for your wait.

Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating.

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor wen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Jimmy Carr jokes:

"Dwarves... are often overlooked. Tell you what I know about dwarves... very little. I can say that, they look up to me."

"A nurse looks at a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, 'some asshole's got my pen'."

"Spiders used to give me nightmares, so what I've done was stop eatin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cannibals are walking on a beach...

..where they find a washed up body. They are excited about finding dinner, but they don’t have any knives with them to cut it up to share.


“I know” said Greg, “I will eat from the head, you will eat from the feet. When we meet in the middle we will have had half each.”


“Great p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

A guy really loved beans...

...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was g...

I had a stomach ache...

My SO asked what's wrong,
I said "I have a clog in my intestines"
she responds with "you need to stop eating shoes"

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