UPJOKE
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Sputtering Jokes

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A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

Three guys go fishing...

Three guys go fishing. In the front of the boat is a cooler full of beer.

The first guy stands up and says, "I'm a Muslim and we believe that God does not want us to drink alcohol. We also believe that God is watching us all the time. Since God is watching me right now, I will not drink ...

The Motorcyclists

Two Peace Corps volunteers were riding their motorcycles through a remote rural area. One of them got a ways ahead, but the other guy just followed his tracks and didn't think much of it. Eventually, he reached a stream where he saw motorcycle tracks going in on one side, and continuing out the ot...

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Two friends are walking through a forest...

A cat and a rooster - lifelong friends - are walking through the forest and starting to get hungry. Eventually they come to a stream and notice some food on the other side. While the stream isn't very wide, it is fast moving, and there is no easy way to cross.

The rooster is so hungry at ...

Three men are on an airplane

One is the pilot. One is an old traveling hippie. And the last one is the world's smartest man.

The engine starts sputtering and the pilot says they're leaking fuel fast, and will crash soon. The pilot puts the plane into auto and tells his two passengers that there are only two parachute pac...

Bob's anniversary

Bob was out fishing when he realized that it was his wedding anniversary. Hoping to save face, he headed to shore. He left the marina and started driving to the nearest Hallmark store to buy his wife a card and a gift. His truck’s engine started sputtering and died on the road.

Bob was fairl...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

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The Head

A man was walking on a beach and found a good spot, and sat down. After a few moments a head of a woman rolled by and stopped next to him.

“Hello I’m Chrissy”

“John” he replied.

“I wonder if you can help me, I’ve been alone all my life and I was wondering if I can sit with you ...

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A farmer took out an ad to sell one of his horses

The day the ad appeared in the paper, he heard a knock on his door.

When he opened the door, he didn't see anyone there.

"I'm down heah," said voice. The man looked down to see a dwarf there, standing no more than 2 1/2 feet tall. "I'm come to see the horse you have for sale. Wet me...

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There was once a fat man who loved soups.

One day, he decided to make himself a large bowl of yummy letter soup. Using his favorite recipe, with lots of cheese and butter, he cooked up a generous bowl of hot letter soup. It smelled just delicious and he couldn’t wait to wolf it down. With his chubby hands, he grabbed the bowl and began to s...

Penguin Needs Car Repairs

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and th...

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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

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A man and a woman...

...meet at a bar, really dig each other, and decide to go back to his place for a bit of fun.

One thing leads to another, and soon the woman is on her back, enthusiastically receiving oral sex. As she's moaning and writhing, she hears the man's muffled voice say what sounds like "urinate"....

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The Note

This is a joke my dad used to always tell.

A few homeless men are sitting around a fire telling stories about how the poor choices in their lives led them to poverty and eventually to living on the street. Tonight there is a newcomer to the little group and the old members are curious about h...

Don't step on the pink cloud

Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned "no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud". Thus, the thr...

A penguin is driving alone through the desert...

Along the highway he spots an ice-cream stand and pulls over for a cone. He tries to eat it while driving, but being a penguin and not having any thumbs, he gets most of it all over his face. A few miles down the road there is a loud *BANG*, and his car starts smoking and sputtering. He pulls over a...

So this penguin is on vacation

in Florida and he is driving around when suddenly his car starts slowing down and sputtering, so he pushes it a bit more and makes it to a repair shop. The mechanic goes over, takes a look and says that the car will be ready in a few hours. He suggests that since the penguin is a tourist he should c...

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

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