Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

A gynecologist is driving along one day...

...when his car starts spluttering. He takes it to a nearby mechanic who proceeds to spend 15 minutes under the hood finds and fixes the problem and proceeds to declare that the car is good to go. After receiving the bill the gynecologist is appalled, the mechanic makes far far far more money that h...

Two guys walk into a bar. Now the first guy is the picture of health, 6’3”, looks like an athlete, whereas the second guy is late 70s, on a zimmer frame, and only 4 foot high.

But what’s really weird about the pair is that, apart from a few wrinkles, they have EXACTLY the same face, like it’s freakishly uncanny.

So the first guy gets to the bar and orders a drink. The barman looks over at the second guy, sat at a table, coughing and spluttering, and says “hey, you...

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First-time sex

Two hill farmers in the west of Ireland were walking home one evening, when Pat stops. "ye see that rock there Tom"? "" I do says Tom". "Well says Pat, "that's where I first, ya know, buried the baldy lad, got the ride, had sex that you call it, he spluttered." "jasus christ almighty" says Tom "that...

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Two men and a camel in the desert

Two men were stranded in the desert. They had a camel with them to carry all their supplies, but by now they had been walking for days and were out of food and water.

They were so dehydrated that their tongues were swelling in their mouths and they could barely walk.

Lo and behold the...

A young woman phoned her dad in tears:

“When I was driving to work today, my car spluttered and died. I walked home to see if Tom could give me a lift but I found him in bed with the girl from across the road. What should I do?”

Her dad replied “well, first I would check to see if there’s petrol in the tank, otherwise the carburet...

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

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A dwarf walks into a

A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
The madam asks how she can help him.
He says "I need a woman for mine has left me."
The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wish...

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

The day after xmas a man is incredibly drunk after promising his wife he wouldn't drink, and stands up to go home ...

SMASH .. He smashes face-first down on the ground, he's so wasted. He grabs a bar stool and drags himself up to the bar, resting his weight against it for a second and makes a move for the door.

'SMACK' straight down onto the floor again, crawls to the door, and spend the next 50 minutes get...

I once went to theatre for a surprise...

As I sat down with my friend we eagerly awaiting what was promised to be an amazing, thought provoking production, acclaimed to bring us a better understanding of the world around us.

The lights darkened and the curtain rose, on the stage sat a single chair, and a thick book, a man came on st...

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

Husband takes his wife to the pub

A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.

The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in o...

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Tractors

So there's this guy who loves tractors. Ever since he was young and his father sat him upon one of these beastly machines, he's been in love with them. Growing up, he bought toy tractors, he drew tractors, he even had tractor wallpaper.

As he got older, he eventually bought a tractor with hi...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of 15 year old scotch...

The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know 15 year old scotch from water". So he pours some cheap whiskey for the guy, who throws back the shot and spits it out all over the bar. "No, Damn it!", yells the man, "I want 15 year old scotch, not this house crap." The bartender wants to test him now an...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot

Pierre the French fighter pilot has a few days off and he decides to take his girlfriend, Camille, down to the lake for a picnic.

They've had their fill of food and plenty of wine and are laying down looking up at the sky when Camille leans over and whispers in Pierre's ear, "Pierre, I love ...

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Man comes home after a hard Day

a man comes home after a long day at work.when he opens the front door he sees his wife standing there with a pissed off look and bags in her hand. the husband ask what is the matter now.His wife replies im leaving you you horrible son of a bitch.the man splutters and says but why. the wife replies ...

One day a King named Brof sailed to an archipelago

He had a large army and demanded that they prepare him the finest meal he could or his army would destroy them and he only gave them a week to do it. So 5 days later the 12 different islands in the archipelago held a cooking contest. Each island prepared a beautiful dish and after much delay the jud...

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A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team.

When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial.

The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed.

The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the q...

A tourist is walking along the riverbank in Paris

when a Frenchman runs and pushes him in.

Spluttering and angry, the tourist shouts "Are you crazy?"

To which the Frenchmen replies laughing "No, but you're in Seine"

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Geeky guy gets sent to jail...

Geeky little guy gets sent to jail and is banged up with a tough twenty stone lifer.

"Anyone who shares my cell has to play mummies and daddies, who d'ya wanna be?" asked the big man, "Mummy or daddy?"

Terrified the little man splutters out "Er, daddy, I will be daddy"

To which ...

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Fox goes to Amsterdam

(This was told to me by a Bulgarian guy...)

So the fox has just come back from a weekend break in Amsterdam, and managed to sneak some high-grade weed back with her. It's a beautiful sunny day, so she decides to relax at a nearby lake and smoke a joint.

She's just sparked up when a fro...

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