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Venomous Snake Jokes

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

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What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

An oldie but a goldie

Two blondes decide to go on a jungle treck. However, soon, one of them gets bit by a venomous snake and falls to the ground unconscious. Seeing this, the other one calls an emergency number.

"Hello. How may I help you?" A man on the other end says


"Well, my friend just got bit by ...

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys are hiking in the woods

They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker....

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I dreamed your mom saved my life

A venomous snake bit my dick

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Two Friends Hiking

One day, two men were hiking on a mountainside.
"Hey, I'm gonna take a piss." says the first guy.
"Yah sure." says the second guy.
While the first guy is taking a pee, he gets bit by a venomous snake on his penis.
"Help!" screams the first guy, "I just got bit by a snake, go and get som...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls ...

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

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Two guys hiking in the mountains

There were two guys hiking in the mountains far away from any towns. A venomous snake, from out of no where bites one of the guys on the penis and slithers away. The one guy is on the ground in pain and tells his friend to go to the nearest town to find a doctor. He sets off as fast as he can to the...

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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.

Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"

Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"

Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe...

This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr...

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Two guys in the go hiking.

Two guys go hiking up a trail. As they are walking on the trail, one of the guys get bitten on the dick by a venomous snake. So the second guy runs around trying to get reception to to call a doctor. Finally, he gets reception and calls the doctor. He briefly describes what happens and the doctor as...

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"Two men walk into a desert..."

Two men walk into a desert and a very venomous snake clenches it's teeth in one of the men's dick.


Panicked man: *"I'm going to die!"*

Friend: *"No you're not!"*


The friend immediately calls 911 and asks the operator what he should do.


Operator: *"There is on...

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