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Shamelessly Jokes

Shamelessly copied joke....

Why does covid vaccine have 2 shots?




First is the microchip, second is the battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

Shamelessly stolen

A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were all in their mounds relaxing. The pappa mole popped his head out, and said "It smells like honey up here!"
The momma mole then popped her head out and said "No, it smells like syrup up here."
The baby mole wanted to pop his head out, but there wasn...

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

A behavioral scientist confronts her lab's receptionist:

'For the last time, I'm analyzing simulated populations. Not "playing with my imaginary friends"!'

(Shamelessly plagiarized from New Scientist)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Doctor: Sir, do you smoke?

Patient: Yeah.
Doctor: Cigarettes? Marijuana?
Patient: Mostly Brisket and Pork...


Shamelessly stolen from Doctor Mike on Youtube, but hell I laughed at that...

What's a pirate's favorite way to say relax?

"Take some arr and arr!"



Thought of it shamelessly while building a pirate ship in Minecraft

Chuck Norris jokes

When Chuck Norris' code throws exceptions, it's across the room.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say sex is equivalent to running 6 miles.

By my calculations that means I can run a mile in under 4 seconds. How about that!

Shamelessly stolen from r/funny cause it made me laugh.

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

*Knock on door*, "sir have you found Jesus?", "uh No. Goodbye" *shuts door*

Jesus steps out from behind door with gun and says "good answer"

*Shamelessly stolen from r/WritingPrompts who shamelessly stole it from imgur*

What's better than 69?

77 cuz you get 8 more

(Shamelessly stolen from Redd Foxx)

What do you call a number that wanders about?

A Roman numeral

(stolen shamelessly from my friend)

Lord of the Rings: What did Galadriel say to Celeborn when he asked what her ring was called?

"Nenya Business."

Gandalf choked out "Narya kidding me?"

To which Elrond interjected "Vilya please be quiet?"

Shamelessly taken from lotr sub (links not allowed, sorry.)

James Hetfield went to a restaurant the other day.

Cashier : Hi, what would you like to eat?

James : Give me food! Give me fries! Give me salad on the side!

Cashier : Okay and how would you like to pay? With Visa or Master?

James : Master! Master!



\--- shamelessly stolen off a youtube comment

I know how batteries feel...

I'm rarely included in things either.

(Shamelessly stolen)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo.

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

(Shamelessly stolen from Craig Ferguson)

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers.

-- shamelessly stolen from Cecil Adams

What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common?

The same middle name.

(Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)

My daughter thinks I criticize her too much...

That's just one of her many faults.

(Shamelessly taken from Arrested Development. Thanks, Lucille.)

What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer

*shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls come to me, I have sex with them, and then I get paid for my services...

but it is not all fun and games being an undertaker.

Stolen from here (http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/mz0q0/stay_classy_youtube/), thought it was worth shamelessly posting for you jokes who have not seen it.

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show...

...and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost on...

In the months leading up to their expedition,

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin trained in a remote moon like area in the Western United States. The area was home to several Native American tribes.
One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. The man asked them what they were doing there. They replied that t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Felisberto

One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are trapped on an island...

Three men were trapped on the island. One was an American, one was a North Korean and the other was South Korean.
They were wandering around when they came upon a town of cannibals. They were tied with a rope. The Chief came out and said that the punishment was spanking their ass with a huge woo...

An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...

...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.

The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees r...

What a Night

This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you... because I just can't forget about last night. Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared out of nowher...

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