UPJOKE
ricketywobblyprecariousunsteadytremblingshiveringwonkyunstableinsecureunsafefragiletenuousweaktroubledfeeble

Shakily Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

I take the scalpel from the nurse and shakily make the first cut.

The pay is good but I think I might have taken "fake it till you make it" too far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door.

Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.



‘It’s all right,’ he says, coming back. ‘The building’s on fire.’

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

Drunk

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ''Are you sure this is your house?'' the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. '

“Shertainly,'' said the drunk, ''an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you.''

The cop obliges by opening the door....

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Trump was rushed to the hospital after learning that 3 Brazilians died from the Coronavirus

Lying in the hospital bed his face still white with shock, he finally got the courage to ask shakily and in a quiet voice, “How many people is a brazillion?"

The Sargent in Iraq was hearing troubling rumors about his men.

That evening he called them all out of their rooms and had them standing in a line.
"I been hearing some terrible things, men" he yelled.
"Apparently some of y'all have been going around with someone named Fatima!"
"I will not tolerate this kind of debauchery on my base, you hear me?!"
"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pissed drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...

When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.

He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"

The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig...

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

An old man was on his deathbed at home.

Suddenly, the aroma of his favorite cookies baking in the oven wafted up to him. My wife, still a doll! With all his might he pulled himself out of bed and walked shakily down the stairs. Wavering down the hallway and into the kitchen, he sees the first batch cooling on the counter.

He slowly...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about explorers.

Three men are exploring the jungle and are quickly caught by natives. The leader of the natives asks the first explorer:
“What do you do for a living?”
He replies “Im a butcher”
The natives drop down his pants and cut off his dick with a cleaver.
The leader asks the second one the same q...

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus speaks to his apostles during the last supper and says, "One of you will betray me."

John turns to Jesus with fear in his eyes and asks, "Will it be me? Will I betray you lord?" Jesus smiles kindly at John and says, "No my brother, you will not betray me".

Peter next approaches J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old but still craven

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism

Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"

Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...

A man runs into a crowded bar and yells “Run! Bad Bob is coming!”

Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.

Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. CRASH! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns ...

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

Russian Elections

[Best said with a horrible Russian Accent - Arnold Schwarzenegger in Red Heat bad.]

So after the last Russian Election, Putin's campaign advisor came up to him:

CA- Comrade Putin (you know that's how he's addressed in private) I have good news and bad news.

Putin- Give me the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

There's this bartender . . .

It's the wild west and a bartender is behind the bar, polishing glasses and going about his normal day's work. Suddenly, a man bust through the saloon doors and yells, "y'all gotta get out of here! Big Bad Barts comin!"

Half of the patrons rush out the front, while the other half runs to the...

A man has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for over a year and a half

One day, however, one of his friends notices that he seems down.

"Are you okay buddy? You look like something's bugging you."

"Ah, yeah, well, it's this," he says shakily as he hands his friend a diary, which was opened to the latest page. The entry reads
"I'm going to marry her som...

The pregnant woman

So a pregnant woman is walking towards the hospital to get induced into labor when a gunman walks out of an ally and demands all of her money. She hands it all over shakily and he shoots her three times in the stomach and she blacks out.
The woman wakes up in the hospital a couple days later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First Day at a Pawn Shop

Apologies beforehand, since this story doesnt have a punchline, it's just funny.


A friend of mine started working at a Pawn America. On his very first day he saw this young couple come in and they started looking and browsing through rings. They saw one that interested them and asked to s...

Chocolate chip cookies!

Joe Briscolli, a retired family man with terminal cancer is lying in his deathbed when he smells the aroma of his beloved wife's locally famous chocolate chip cookies, which she knew he loved more than anything on earth. "Oh, my loving and kind wife, in my final days you comfort me stalwartly. You a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talk to the Deacon...

Time for more awful jokes everyone's favourite billion-member strong religious institution; the Catholic Church!
----------------------------------------------------------------

A large middle-aged man walks into a Catholic church. Clearly in a unclear state of mind, he shakily pulls himse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Duck hunting

Once while afield in the Scottish moors, I shot a Bluewing Teal as it crested a low hill. Seeing it pinwheel out of sight in a cloud of feathers, I hotfooted over the hill to recover my dinner. As I passed the crest, I spotted an obvious Pakistani reaching for the duck.

"Hey! What the fuck ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frail & Trembling old Woman

walks into a sex shop & shakily made her way up to the clerk at the counter.

"Exc-c-cuse m-me sonny, b-but I n-n-need some i-i-in-inform-m-mation about v-v-vib-brators"

"Certainly madam" said the clerk as he reached under the counter to pull out a box full of the sex toys, took ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks into a Barbershop with a Big "Help Wanted" Sign

A Man Walks into a Barbershop with a Big "Help Wanted" Sign. He is quickly greeted by an eccentric and very talkative barber.

"Ah! Hello friend! Welcome to my barber shop. Let me sit you down and we can discuss the work at hand."

The barber sits him down in a worn leather chair and qui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is down on his luck and needs a drink.

He stops at the busy tavern hoping someone will buy him one. He tells everyone in earshot that if anyone puts a piece of wood in front of him, he can tell them what type of wood it is and where it came from just by smelling it, if they buy him a drink.

The bartender says "okay" and accepts. A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ho Ho Ho

In the spirit of the upcoming Holiday I would like to share a story my Father told me when I was a boy. He sat me on his knee and said:

Long ago on a snowy Christmas Eve Santa was out delivering toys to all the good kiddies. Like the many before this one it was all work, curdled milk and lame...

A man was looking for a job

A man was looking for a job. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long]A Theoretical Physicist is working diligently in his office at Columbia University.

With him is one of his graduate students minding her own business grading some of the first year students term papers. He is generally motionless except for the waggling of his pencil on the notebook he's doing sums in and the occasional pause to take a sip of his Jasmine tea.

All of a sudde...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.