Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

How does a blind man ask for a pair of scissor?

He still can talk you dummy!

I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought?

What’s the point.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

Rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." So the rope leaves, goes home. Grabs a pair of scissors, cuts the top of his head up, shreds himself up a bit ties himself a nice ponytail. Goes back to the bar. Bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope that walked in a while ago?" Rope says...

Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.

“We need to get in there,” says the first blonde. “Why don’t we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?”

“No,” says the second. “People’d think we’re trying to steal the car.”

“I have a pair of scissors...

When the nurse does not listen

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

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Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

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A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”

The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”

She stands up an...

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3 guys and a witch....

In a small village there is a long standing rumour that the nearby woods was inhabited by a witch, several missing people and some strange smoke from a seemingly abandoned hut had fuel the rumours for years.
One day three local men decided enough was enough and made way to the woods for a few day...

One day, a rabbit went to the bookstore.

Rabbit: "Do you sell carrots?"
Shopkeeper: "No."
The next day, the rabbit went to the bookstore again.
Rabbit: "Do you sell carrots?"
Shopkeeper: "No."
Day 3- the rabbit went again!
Rabbit: "Do you sell carrots?"
Shopkeeper: "NO! Come again and I'll get a pair of s...

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Betty and Martha are standing outside the nursing home having a smoke

when it starts to rain. Martha curses and starts trying to shelter her cigarette when Betty calmly reaches into her bag, pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She snips the end off the condom, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking like nothing is wrong.

Martha looks at her que...

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

An elderly lady is walking on the street

She's carrying a bag in each hand. One of the bags has a hole in it and with every step she takes, a $20 bank note falls out. A policeman notices and stops the lady.

'Dear lady, there's money falling out from your bag!'

'Oh, dear Lord! Thank you for telling me, my love. I'll turn aroun...

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While walking down the street, a man sees a hole cut in a wooden privacy fence...

There's a sign hanging above it that reads "COCK GOES HERE." He looks around casually, sidles up to the fence, unzips, and slips his dick in the hole. Almost immediately, something seizes it tightly. He gasps and stands on his tip-toes to be able to look over the fence, where he sees two small boys,...

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Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

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