This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife thinks its sexy to answer the door for me wearing nothing but my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now have to have a 'talk' with a psychologist..

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my shirt

Shit

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt.

How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off! Then, I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off!

I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand!

Now, I'm afraid to pee!

I covered my shirt with push pins...

I thought I would look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters,

but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

Today morning, I spilled tea on my shirt

It became a T-shirt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in.

I said, "Why?"

"Because it *looks* like you've just had sex," he said, zipping his trousers.

My costume is a bunch of sponges pinned to my shirt

I’m self absorbed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

bad day today

I put on my shirt, a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!

Credit Rodney Dangerfield

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

Two friends went for a job interview.......

The first friend goes in and the person interviewing him looks at his resume. Then he asks him a few questions and then asks "imagine you are traveling on a train and it is hot inside, what will you do?" The guy replies "I will open the window"

"Great!" says the interviewer and then asks " ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunks in a bar

Two drunks are hours into their night when one of them pukes on himself.

"Oh man," he slurs, "my wife is going to kill me, I'm drunk, I'm late, and now I've puked on my shirt."

"No, no, no." His buddy replies. "Here, give me $20."

The first drunk is confused, but hands over th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim Bob stays out too late

Jim Bob stays out drinking.

Jim Bob went to a bar after work and time got away from him. He stayed out too late and began to panic because his wife was going to be furious. Jim Bob became so nervous he vomited all over his shirt.

“Oh No! I’ve really done it now!” Jim Bob exclaimed in ...

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

A mother says to her young son, "It's high time you learned the difference between a man and a woman."

"Take off my shirt," she says. So he takes off her shirt.

"Take off my pants," she says. So he takes off her pants.

"Take off my bra," she says. So he takes off her bra.

"Take off my panties," she says. So he takes off her panties.

Then the mother says to her son, "I don'...

A guy goes to a hooker for the first time

So he doesn't know what to do.
After the woman undresses, she sees the guy laying on the bed, stressed out with his clothes on, so she says

- Let me take off Your pants, and I will suck it

And the guy replies

- My pants are dirty, You can suck my shirt instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE BLONDE COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
And his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like
This?'

T...

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Me: *falls down

Mom: What was that noise?

Me: My shirt fell

Mom: Sounded way to heavy to be a shirt

Me: I was in it when it fell

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

So will you open the window?

Students go to an Engineering Viva Exam.

The first guy goes into the interview room, and the professor begins the Viva with a question...

Let's say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?

Open the window... he answers.

Very good...the professor c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSF] "Take off my scarf!", she said.

So I took off her scarf.

"Take off my shirt!", she demanded. So I unbuttoned her shirt and took it off slowly.

"Take off my bra!", she said in a rough voice. I unlatched her bra gently, sliding it off of the arms.

"Now, take off my skirt!", she ordered. I calmly sled it off the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt...

He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again"

Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned"

The drunk guy th...

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

The pilot is screaming: We're gonna crash!

A woman rips her blouse off and screams: "I want to be a woman one more time!"
A man rips his shirt off his chest and yells to her: "Iron my shirt too!!"

A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...

Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?

Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...

As he stumbles into the bed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came home late and very drunk.

His wife was waiting for him. " you've been kissing someone, haven't you?" She shouted at him.
"No" he answered back.
"Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy," he said. "I used my shirt to wipe my dick."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man at a Bar Throws Up All Over Himself

A man was at a bar, drinking beer after beer until he was sick and involuntarily threw up on himself. Disgruntled, he went to the bartender for help.

"Man, my wife is gonna kill me if she finds out I got so drunk that I threw up on my shirt. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students are taking a physics exam

One of them enters and the professor says:

-Imagine you are riding a train and its really hot inside. What would you do?

-Well,i'd open the window.

-Excellent. Now, the windows surface is 1,5m^2, your compartments volume is 12m^3, train is going west at the speed of 80km/h, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your...

Wife told her husband

A man’s wife comes up to him and tells him, “Take off my shirt.” So he does.

She then tells him, “Take off my skirt and high heels.” So he does.

Then she tells him, “Take off my bra and underwear.” So he does.

Finally she tells him, “I better never find you wearing my clothes ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stranded

So a plane crashes near a deserted island, and the only survivors are Megan Fox and a guy named Bill. So for months, Bill builds her a shelter, catches fish, cooks, and takes care of Megan, while being a perfect gentleman.

So then Megan approaches Bill one night, and they make passionate lov...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.