Back story: We are both firefighters and brother is EMT.
Me: “Ah shoot, I hit my elbow, gosh it hurts.”
Brother: “I have some Tryactin in my truck.”
Me: “Do you think it will help?”
Brother: “Let’s see, (pauses)....”
Brother: “Try actin’ like ...
A muscle cell walks into a bar
Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes* Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?" Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"
A man walks into his bedroom holding a sheep and he says, "see here.. this is the pig I've got to sleep with when you're actin' up or you're not around.." His wife wakes and responds, "Honey, that's a sheep!" The man then tells her, "shut up woman! I wasn't talkin' to you.."
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Your last day on Earth is supposed to be your worst...
... And St. Peter decides who gets into Heaven based on how shitty their last day's been. Well, there's 3 guys and the first guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, "Why's your day been so terrible?"
And the guy replies, "Well, my wife's been actin funny for a few months now. She ...