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Lactose Intolerant Jokes

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m lactose intolerant and…

Last night, I decided to have ice cream, just for shits.

What do you call a lactose intolerant music artist?

Post Provolone

what’s it called when someone who’s lactose intolerant still likes eating cheese?

BrieDSM

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

My wife is lactose intolerant...

so whenever she drinks milkshakes, it gives her the milk shakes.

I think Ponyboy from the Outsiders was lactose intolerant

He didn’t like Darry

People who don’t eat cheese because they are lactose intolerant…

…need to learn to be more accepting of different cultures

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant?

Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .


I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw

I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

A man threw some milk at my lactose intolerant friend

How Dairy!!!!

Sorry if that was a bit cheesy:)

My wife teases me with ice cream bc she knows I’m lactose intolerant.

She really milks it too.

What is a lactose intolerant ativaxxer's worst nightmare?

Big Parma

I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

I'm lactose intolerant, but I still eat chees because I'm not a barbarian.

I'm a cultured man

What do you say to a lactose intolerant Mexican?

No whey Jose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think i'm lactose intolerant

I've had 6 milkshakes today and feel like crap.

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant

Whoops, wrong sub.

Did you hear about the lactose intolerant man who ate a whole wheel of cheese?

it was not gouda for him later.

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

what did the lactose intolerant man say after eating an ice cream cone?

please excuse my dairy air

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got into a street fight with the dairy cartel...

...Being lactose intolerant, I immediately knew shit was about to go down.

A man is talking to a woman and he asks for a fun fact about her. she tells him "I am missing all my toes". the man says, "I'm sorry but I can't date you". The woman asks why and the man responds:

I am lactose intolerant.

A skeleton walked into a bar…

The bartender slides him a glass of milk and the skeleton says:

“Really Jerry? I’ve known you for 20 years and you do this?”

The bartender replies:

“Oh sorry, I thought it would be funny. You know being a skeleton and all…”

To which the skeleton respond:

“What no. ...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

Cursed Warning

High-Lactose Cheeses are just minigun ammo for Lactose Intolerant people

Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?

They're lactose intolerant

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?

Ones lactose intolerant, the other is lack-toes intolerant

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

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the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

I worked with a guy on a building site...

I once worked with a guy on a building site who never wore steel toe caps. When I asked him why, he said he didn't them. Turns out he was lactose intolerant.

I discriminate against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite.

I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a guy that can't drink milk and a bunch of Nazi soup kitchens that ran out of bread?

The guy's lactose intolerant. The others lack toast and tolerance.

...god damn, that was painful. I'll show myself out.

*edit* for slightly better delivery

[OC] My best friend recently lost the front of his foot in a boating accident and now I hate him.

I'm surprised by how lactose intolerant I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Cheerio, the Fruity Cheerio (long, but it's worth it)

Once upon a time, there was a Fruity Cheerio. He was a poor cheerio, and lived on the streets. He had no family, and begged other cheerios for money every day. One day, Mr. Cheerio decided to pray to the Cheerio God.

"Dear Cheerio God. I am your humble Cheerio servant. I kindly ask that you ...

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