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I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

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Principal walks into a history class

A principal walks in the school grounds to see how well the students do in their classes.

He walks into a history class and asks the teacher to stop the lesson, so he can ask a few questions.

"Tell me, kids... Do you know who killed Julius Caesar?". The classroom stays silent...
...

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who killed Julius caesar ?

a principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening

the teacher replied to him " it's a disaster I can't continue doing this anymore "

the principal replied " what's the problem tell me maybe I can help "

the teacher nodded then called a stude...

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A woman goes to the OBGYN and lies on the table

When she spreads her legs she hears:

Doctor: Wow, that's some big vagina.

Doctor: Wow, that's some big vagina.

Patient: Ok, you don't really need to repeat it.

Doctor: Sorry, it wasn't me. It was the echo.

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Dad approaches Timmy, "Son, did you push the outhouse over?".

Timmy: "No dad! It wasn't me!".

Dad: "Let me tell you a story. Years ago George Washington's dad asked him if he cut down the cherry tree. George Washington said, 'I cannot tell a lie', and admitted to cutting down the tree. His father was proud of him and didn't punish him."

Timmy: "O...

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.

All of a sudden he hears a voice say, "Nice suit."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses.

A little while later the same voice says, "Nice tie."

The guy looks a...

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then...

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All divine beings gather for an emergency meeting

The gods take their time, but one by one everyone is in attendance around a long, dark table on a well-lit cloud.

Yahweh is at the head of the table, simply dressed and glowing. Satan sat at the other end, dressed in a casual suit and a trench coat, a cigarette in hand.

**Yahweh:** O...

Two policemen on the door of a local man they know

"Good evening," they say when he answers. "We just found a man dead in the park and we came around here because we thought it might be you."

"How big was he?" asks the local man.

"He was about your size."

"Was he wearing a pair of jeans?"

"Yes, he was."

"Did he ha...

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Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar...

...and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt.

He says to his friend, "Aww man. My wife is going to kill me. She's going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight."

His friend says, "Don't worry I have a plan ."

He tucks a $20 bill in the man's shirt pocket an...

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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

Uncle John is burning through his bucket list.

Uncle John's health has been declining and he's trying to get his bucket list done.
He goes skydiving with a tandem team and has a great time.
After sticking the landing he's being debriefed by the jump master.
Ok great jump John but what was with the screaming all the way down?
John say...

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Two drunks getting hammered as usual...

And as usual the fist one vomits all over himself. "Goddamnit, my wife's gonna be pissed."

Second Drunk: "Whaterya bellyaching about? You always throw up on yourself."

First Drunk: "Yeah, but this time The Wife says she won't let me in if I smell like vomit anymore." So the Second Drun...

Every Friday after work, a man heads to his local bar and gets completely drunk...

... Every week he wastes most of his paycheck on the Friday night booze, and then stumbles home to a very angry wife who is struggling to make ends meet.

One week, his wife makes a very serious threat. She says, "if you come home totally drunk one more Friday night, I'm going to divorce you."...

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Ed and Bob had just landed the biggest sale in their firm's history.

Ed and Bob had just landed the biggest sale in their firm's history. Ed knew he had to hurry home to his pushy wife Mary, but Bob persuaded him to have a drink or two at a nearby tavern. Being a lightweight, Ed vomited all over his shirt and tie after only a few.

"Aww man, Mary is going to k...

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A man goes out drinking late every night with his friends...

A man goes out drinking late every night with his friends. His wife finally says that if he comes home too drunk one more time she will leave him. The next night the man goes out with his friends and refuses to drink. However a very old friend surprises the group and starts buying shots and toastin...

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