Hedge Fund Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.

But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.

A redditor repeating 15, 15, 15 ... passes by a hedge fund manager.

The hedge fund manager starts to follow him curiously. The redditor keeps repeating 15. The hedge fund manager follows him out of the town, on an unpaved road, to the edge of a cliff where the redditor looks down repeating 15. The hedge fund manager comes next to him to look down into the cliff. The...

After being shorted by hedge funds, Gamestop, AMC, Blackberry and Nokia are watching those funds cry about their losses

I guess you could say those... companies love misery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

A hedge fund manager gets out of his Porsche.

As soon as he does, a truck comes and shreds the door off.

“Aaah! My Porsche!”

A bystander immediately told him,
“Sir, you didn’t even realize that you lost your arm!”

The hedge fund manager looked down in disbelief.

“Aaah! My Rolex!”

I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face

And order a McDouble

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

What do you call a landscaper's bank account?

A hedge fund

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