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Han Jokes

Why wasn't Princess Leia married before she met Han Solo?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

Why does Han Solo like gum?

Because it's chewy

I saw Han Solo crying while eating his beef.

Later I asked why. He said it was chewy.

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

Luke Skywalker: "You smoke Han Solo?"

Han Solo: "No."

Luke Skywalker: "What about Chewbacca?"

Han Solo: "No, I don't do that either."

What’s Han Solo’s favorite gum?

Big League Chewie

What did Princess Leia say to Han Solo on their wedding night?

Into the garbage chute, flyboy!

Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction?

Yoda : Off course we are.

[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han....

Tell Leia after they separated?

-----


*May Divorce be with you.*

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his...

Why did Han Solo become a vegetarian?

Because the last steak he ate was really Chewy.

Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo

They never tell him the odds

Everyone in Hikaru Nakamura's stream is uniting against Hans Niemann

He is now Hans Solo

Why did Han Solo call Chewbacca a noob?

He made a Wookiee mistake

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

What did Han Solo name his clone?

Han Duo

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

Hans Olaffsen

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the s...

What did Han Solo say when he saw Luke Skywalker eating without cutlery?

“Use the Forks, Luke”

Han and Yoda are flying in the Millennium Falcon

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" Han asks.

"Off course we are. " Yoda replies.

Happy may 4th

How is Han Solo in bed?

He shoots first

"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?

...a spelling bee.

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

Han Solo keeps taunting he'll steal cars...

...he's harassin' Ford!

My wife cuddled up to me and said ‘Be my Han Solo.’

Now she’s not talking to me, cause I said ‘OK, Chewie.’

What did Han tell Luke about his father?

Luke, I’m not your father, but your sister calls me daddy.

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

What was Han Solo's reaction after eating a Momo?

Hmm... Chewie.

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

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Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

During history class at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"No, why do you ask?" the teacher asks.

"Well," Little Hans says, "my grandpa told me how he and his buddies crawled one street in Stalingrad for days and never reached the end of it."

What happens when Nurgle has an affection for Han Solo?

Nurgle would try to Wuhan....

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo

" May divorce be with you "

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.

Solo.

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

Hans the Norwegian

Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,

"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."

"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.

"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 11...

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Late one night, Han and Leia are hanging out getting a bit drunk....

when Leia starts bitching about never being able to understand Chewy. Han, fed up with Leia's attitude replied.....

"look princess, there's nothing I can do about it, that's just the way the wookie mumbles"

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.

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Hans Wolfgang

A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called "Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean." Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the...

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

Han wanted to post his family pictures to Instagram, but Leia didn't want to, so he did it without her.

He released a Solo album.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

What did Luke say at Han and Leia's wedding?

May divorce be with you

What song does Han Solo play when he flies away from Cloud City?

Bailando

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

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I just put a porn movie on for Han and Greedo.

I'll let you know.

Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.

He was sinking?

Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

As the plane took off, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “Have you ever flown solo?”

Co-pilot: No. Typically I fly much higher than this.

In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus.

They both got too close to the son.

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

Did you know Han Solo had an employment agency?

Han Jobs

The Millenium Falcon is taking off...

Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..

"10....8.....6.....4"

Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.

C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical?

A rebel without applause.

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

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A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"

He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I wa...

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[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

Luke chided Han for blaming Chewbacca when everyone got caught in the tree net on the forest moon of Endor.

But let's be honest: it *was* a Wookie mistake.

It was an ordinary day during the hyperinflation of 1923 in Germany.

And your friendly neighborhood Hans was coming back home from work, carrying his pay in a large basket.

Unfortunately, Hans got mugged.

The robbers tipped out the banknotes and ran off with the basket!

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