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Fuming Jokes

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:
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“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I gave the woman next door the Corona virus The husband was fuming, and I feel morally guilty

it goes against what I've been taught.

Thou shall no COVID the neighbors wife..

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

A wife approaches her husband - fuming.

She says to him "I've done the dishes, done the laundry, ironed ALL the clothes and cleaned the house. Meanwhile, you've done NOTHING but wait for me to bring you a GOD DAMNED BEER! What does that say about you??"

The husband replies: "It says I am very patient".

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I'm absolutely fuming..

My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.

Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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A man comes home bruised and fuming...

A man comes home bruised and fuming, and his wife asks him what's wrong.

"I got into a horrible traffic accident today, and the car is totalled. What's worse, I'm being sued."

"Oh no!" exclaims the wife. "What happened?"

"I had to swerve to avoid an asshole who was on his phone...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

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It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.

I'd asked for a crossbow.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling....

A man went back to a pet store fuming.

"Excuse me," he said to the pet shop owner. "That trained monkey you sold me yesterday died!"

"Wow," the owner replied. "He could never do that trick when I owned him."

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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

The wife is fuming, just because I lost £6,485 from gambling. It's not even like it's her money!

...Anymore.

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I was absolutely fuming when I walked out of the art store earlier

Bitch didn't have my Monet

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. ...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He take a seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!"

Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent.

"Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The noble dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agree...

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Birthday Present.

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewellery case for my Wife's Birthday online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was Fuming.

I distinctly asked for it on the front.

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

Blonde lady driving down a dirt road…

When she sees another blonde woman in a row boat out in the middle of a cotton field. She slams on her brakes, fuming, and yells out to the lady in the boat “HEY!! IT’S DUMB BLONE BIMBOS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD REPUTATION!! AND IF I COULD SWIM, I’D COME KICK YOUR ASS!!”

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A wife works long shifts every day...

A wife works long shifts every day of the week to support her family. The husband, who rarely sees her, begins to feel affected by the lack of intimacy from her when she is around, so he has an affair with a younger lady.

One day, the wife comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with h...

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

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I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

In my old neighborhood, we lived next to a family of rich potatos...

...we went over to have dinner at their mansion, and you could tell there was tension in the air. The father tater was fuming and the mother tater looked distraught. The daughter tater who looked very upset, finally broke the silence and said, 'but I want to marry Sean Hannity, I want to!' The fathe...

A guy is in a shooting massacre and dies

The man stands before St.Peter at the gates fuming and full of holes in his body and asks “why did God let this happen?” St. Peter replies “You prayed to be more holy.”

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. "I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the most will ...

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

I bumped in to the back of a car on the way to work

A dwarf got out, absolutely fuming and exclaimed 'I'm not happy!'

To which I replied, 'Which one are you then?'

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"...

A woman on a farm is getting breakfast ready for her family.

As she works at the counter, she notices her son out in the yard bullying several of the animals. When he comes in for breakfast she sets a bowl if dry cereal and a glass of water in front of him.

"What gives mom?"

"Well son, I watched you picking on the animals, so I'm punishing you a...

There are three friends - Mad, Lost and Brains.

One fine day Lost actually gets lost. Mad visits the police station to report it.

Mad:- Lost is lost

Police Officer:- What do you mean 'Lost is Lost’ ?

Mad:- Lost is lost is what I mean.

Police Officer:- What on earth you want to say!?!

Mad:- Can't you understand ...

Foul Mouthed Parrot

One day a woman was walking by a pet store and the parrot call out as she approaches "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" The woman is irritated but keeps walking.

The next day, the woman walks past the same store and the parrot again calls out "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" as the woman draws nea...

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.

With the window lowered, the man attempts...

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

A well-off couple are having dinner in a restaurant when...

... a beautiful woman walks up to their table, passionately kisses the husband and says “I’ll see you later!”.

Fuming, the wife asks “who the hell is that?!” and the husband calmly replies “my mistress”. Even angrier, the wife says “that’s it! I’ve had enough. I want a divorce”.

Once ...

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A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

Car accident and a fight

I got in a car accident and a fight in the same day! Let me tell you what happened.

I was driving along when some guy pulled out in front of me. I tried to stop, but ultimately rear-ended him. He gets out of his car, and I see that he's a dwarf! He comes over fuming, and exclaims, "I am NOT h...

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Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

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A man is sitting on the couch watching TV...

When he hears a little knock on the door. He gets up, goes to the door, opens it, but there isn't anyone there. A little iritated, he closes the door and sits back down on the couch.

A few seconds later, theres another little knock at the door. The man jumps up and rushes to the door, fling...

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

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A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

A frustrated doctor walks into a bar

The bar tender asks, why are you fuming
The doctor responds,"I DONT HAVE ENOUGH PATIENCE"

The snails

One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend's house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic an...

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