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English is my first language (50+ years) and I still get confused on how to use some words. For example:

Is it *buttcheeks* or *butt cheeks?*

Are they together or spread apart?

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden

Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender.
And bonus, Donald Drum.

English is not my first language but I think my boss appreciates me

He always says I am this functional!

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Did You Know that Diareah Problems are Hereditary

It Runs In your Jeans

(Plz excuse any spelling errors if I made some. English is my first language Im just Dumb)

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

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God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

A guy goes to a strip club with his friends

As they enter they see a huge naked fat chick dancing in the table. The guy says “Nice legs” and the fat lady replies “Oh you really think so?”. The guy then says “Yeah definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now”

Please excuse any mistakes you may see as english is not my first langu...

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Bianca's boyfriend (Brad) goes on a business trip...

A week goes by, and Brad gives Bianca the bad news that his business trip would be extended to one more week. Bianca, starting to feel a bit horny was not excited to hear the news but she thought "its just one more week, I can wait."

The second week goes by and Brad is still not home, so Bian...

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

This is a joke

This is a joke we used to tell as kids and I thought I'd post it here. Feel free to point out any mistakes as English isn't my first language


Bernhard is flying on vacation with his grandmother. As they are sitting in the plane, he asks her:
"Can I throw this banana peel out of the win...

A bus full of politicians crashed in a remote village.

Days later, when the reporters went there they found that all the corpses have been buried. And they went to the village chief to ask about the details. He told them how it was raining and that their bus lost control and crashed into a tree.
And then the politicians in the bus were screaming that...

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

i going to make joke but wanna apologize for poor english

america is my first language

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

Two friends: a christian arab, and his indian friend were on a plane

Suddenly there was a turbulance and the captain announces “ this is the captain, I am sorry to inform you that we have technical problems with one engine and we need to loose some weight “ the passengers were upset when he continued “ we’ll be fair with everyone: Africans and asians we need you to ...

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

Two stoned guys...

Two stoned guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend “ keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I’ll do the talking !” The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said “ good evening gentlemen “ the driver excla...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)


He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.




- Man: What's up with the pianist?




- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.



...

The difference between mens and womens friendships

A woman came home to her boyfriend late and he asked where she had been. She said: at her friends house. The guy later called 10 of her friends and asked about it and they all denied. A man came home to his girlfriend and she asked about the same thing as the boyfriend had before and he said. At my ...

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

A car thief gets brought before the judge

Judge: Why did you steel the car?

Thief: I had to get to work.

Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?

Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.

(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)

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The Discovery of happiness

(English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammat mistakes xP)

A scientist, after many years of study managed to mathematically prove that having regular sex is the key to happiness. So, he decides to set up a conference, in which many people curious of his...

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Its a story before lockdown

As Englisis my second language it all happened in Urdu my first language hope my translation makes sense

Me and my fat fried was traveling on a metro and I was listening to a song and I was deep in my imagination my eyes were open but I was not looking if that makes any sense

And aft...

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

3 boys in elementary school are bored.

3 boys are in elementary school. During lunch, the boys decide to have a competition. “I can fit my bread roll in my mouth!”, the first boy says confidently, and he does so.

“Thats nothing!” says the second boy, “i can fit TWO dumplings in my mouth!” And he does so with ease.

Unimpre...

Today was my birthday and my parents gave me a whistle as a gift...

Oh man!!! this thing blows

P.s. : excuse my English, not my first language

Jesus walks into a bar

The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.

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It has started

(English is not my first language. Sorry in advance if I make any grammar errors. Also, the joke is originally in another language, so it might not be that good in English.)
An older couple lived together in a small house. The man was watching television while his wife was cleaning. The man said:...

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A man goes to the doctor to cure some ailment he has

“No problem, just use this for three days”, the doctor says.

The man comes home and opens the box.
It says “apply directly to the rectum”.

With English not being his first language, he doesn’t know what it means so he goes to ask his wife.

“I have no idea”, she says, “you sh...

If you think you have a grammar or spelling mistake, simply post it to Reddit and you’ll know within seconds if you made one or many.

Make sure you write "sorry for grammar mistakes English is not my first language"

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[NSFW] An Englishman, a Belgian & a Frenchman are stranded on an island and captured by a local tribe

Now the tribe leader tells them he will let the ones live who can complete his two requests.


They all agree and await the leader’s first request. So the leader says: “You each must bring me 100 of a fruit of your choice. You must collect it on this island and bring it here within the nex...

(OC) My name is Stewart Peter. Some friends like to call me Stu

Some friends like to call me Pete.

But I hate it when we're all get together coz then they call me Stu Pete.

(OC, but English is not my first language).

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Two dudes are walking down a street ...

... in the red-light district of amsterdam. They reach a show window with two women on a bed, a gorgeous brunette is pleasing a blonde with huge tits. When the brunette throws a lusting look at the guys, one of them bursts into laughter.
The other, extremely puzzled asks the first one: "Dude, wh...

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A kid'a parents didn't want him to learn bad words...

*English isn't my first language so tell me if there are any mistakes*

So one day the father was taking the kid to the mall for a haircut, they walk out the door and the father suddenly remembers he forgot his keys.

He forgets him and his SO's idea and says "Shit! I forgot my keys" th...

A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar

and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head.

He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15...

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I heard this one today.

A man asks a woman:

*Do you know which two holes are the most important on a female body?*

**You pig! How dare you ask a lady such a question?**

*Well I'll have you know, it's the nostrils*

**Oh, I'm sorry, why is that?**

*So she can breathe while she su...

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A shepherd get interviewed for the first time on TV

The press is there to promote local products, and they ask a few random questions:

« So tell us good sir, how would you define a good day in the hills around here? »

The shepherd answers : « Well, there was this one time when one sheep got lost and we hunted it with group beats, found ...

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Jimmy was recently transfered to a new school in the 3rd grade...

It's not because he was a bad students or anything, it's just that his father got a new job as a banker. In fact he was so excited to be in his new school, that the day before the first day of school, he asked his teacher what the students first homework assignment was so he start early. The teacher...

Two recent philosophy graduates..

2 recent philosophy graduates, John and Andy, embarked on a cross-country journey to better understand the meaning of life.

They took with them their best friend, Bill, who was a college drop-out and a former drug addict who's now sober and helping his dad's business.

John and Andy tho...

At the end of a comment a redditor put 'sorry for bad English'

Someone replied with "Your English is really good don't apologize"

Op responded with "English is my first language I'm just apologizing for misbehaved English people"

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A guy had a girlfriend named Windy. He had tattooed her name on his dick.

So, he goes to a bar one day and visits toilet to pee. There's a black guy in next Urinal. He unintentionally peeks at black guy's dick.

He sees that black guy also has a tattoo on his dick that reads 'Windy'. The guy is shocked.

Hey, look I also have tattooed Windy on my dick. I...

Two guys were talking...

One of they said: "One day i found a magic genius, he offered me two things: A bunch of hot women's or a good memory." What did you choose? The other said. "I can't remember..."
#ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE

A skydiver jumps out of a plane...

He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydive...

There once was a big, strong bull...

There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.

So the bull wal...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

A pirate walks into a bar. He's got it all, a parrot on his shoulder, a pirate-y sword at his belt, an eye-patch, the whole works. And he is also carrying his boat's steering wheel in front of his private parts.

The bartender shouts: "Oi, mate, you've got a steering wheel dangling in front of...

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The logician

First off i wanna say that english is not my first language, also i'm on my phone. I'm not even sure logician is the right way to say it, but you should be able to understand whats going on!


So a man was on his way home from a work trip. He was traveling by train, and it took a few hours....

A man walks into the synagoge

and asks the Rabbi
"Rabbi, could you teach me to speak Hebrew?"
"Sure" says the Rabbi "but why do you want to learn Hebrew"
And the man explains "Well, I'm nearing 70 now, I don't know how many years I have left, but when I die and go to heaven, being able to talk to God in his first langua...

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The CIA was looking for new operatives

For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.

So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:

"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situatio...

The french minister of transport receive his counterpart from Uganda ...

After the offical things, he invite him to his place, outside of Paris. The Ugandan minister is astonished, as the place is a well restored and luxurious XVI century castle. He then ask :

- But, how did you pay for that ? I thought you came from a poor family.

- Come at the window, sa...

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