Feck Jokes - 29 Hilarious Feck Jokes

Johnny is at it again.

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the tea...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.

''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response

" He's probably loo...

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Rural Irish Pub

Patrick and Sean go to the same pub for 15 years. Every day, Sean nods his head to Patrick and says, “Patrick.” Patrick nods his head to Sean and says, “Sean.” and then they drink their Guinnesses. After 15 years, Sean says to Patrick, “Feck, I have to hit the loo” and goes to the bathroom. Patrick...

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast

Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
“Would you like some sugar, sugar?”

The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
“Would you like some honey, honey?”

The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
“Would you like some milk, yo...

A man was lost in the desert...

He hadn't eaten or drank for 3 days and was close to giving up.

He sees what looks like an Eskimo coming towards him. He rubs his eyes, sure that he's hallucinating but as they get closer, it still looks like an Eskimo!

The man asks the Eskimo 'can you help me, I'm lost?'

Th...

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

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A man is about to go into a bar on a Saturday afternoon when he hears a voice behind him call out "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around ready to give the busybody a piece of his mind, but he holds his tongue on seeing it is an elderly nun, and instead he says "Excuse me, Sister, but why would you be calling this delightful hostelry such a hard name?"

"Because it is the devil's water they sell there," she cries...

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

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Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..

"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

Paddy goes to a job interview at a blacksmiths

The interviewer says, “I’m looking for someone with experience. Tell me Paddy, have you ever shoed a horse?”

To which Paddy replies, “No, but I once told a donkey to feck off!”

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

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An Irish father and son are drinking at their local pub

The father says, "Well, boyo, I've got some bad news. I've been to the doc, and your old Da's got cancer. Ain't got much longer now, t'aint nothin to be done."

"Da!" says the son, "That's horrible! Well, I guess we better get to drinking, then, shouldn't we?"

"Two pints of the black st...

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

Tree fellers.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.

At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss...

An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid.

Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it.

The day after he finishes his cou...

Selling a python

Paddy was selling his pet python on eBay.
Some bloke rang him up and asked, "Is it big?" Paddy said, "Massive." The bloke said, "how many feet?" Paddy says, "None, it's a snake ya fecking idiot!"

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman...

... sitting in a bar. Englishman raises his glass of ale and says "Here's to my son George. We named him George because he was born on St Georges Day".
The Scotsman raises his dram of whisky, "Here's to my son Andrew, named as such because he was born on St Andrew's Day".
The Irishman raises h...

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An Irish Ghost story (long)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and n...

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The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks.

Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story.

"Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of 'fuck?'"

His friend replies, "I haven't heard of that before, man. What...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn after a particularly wild night on the town.

The farmer, on his morning rounds, hears the commotion and slowly opens the barn door, shotgun in hand.The three quickly hide behind a bale of hay and attempt to convince the farmer that ...

Paddy and mick

Paddy and mick were having lunch together.
Paddy opens his lunch box
"Feck me Mick, that's chicken sandwiches every day for the third week running. If I get chicken again tomorrow I'm gonna go jump off the roof and kill myself"

Mick opens his lunchbox and has a ham sandwich,
"Fecki...

Logical conclusion... (longish)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, ...

Paddy and Billy were asked to measure a flagpole.

They're standing looking up at the flagpole trying to figure out how on earth to measure the height of the pole.

A young lady comes along and asks why they look so confused.
"We need to measure the height of this pole" says Billy.

So the young lady pulls the pin out of the bottom to...

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Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy ...

Firefighters

One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company presi...

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

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Master of wit and repartee

Two brothers. One's a dullard (slow or stupid person), the other is a master of quick wit and ready repartee.

Dullard goes to the circus one night. The clowns come on asking for a member of the audience to assist. Dullard bro puts up his hand and gets picked.

CLOWN: I say, I say, I say...

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