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Duly Jokes

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A woman goes to her doctor

A woman goes to her doctor and says " I have psittacosis of the pussy ". He says " That's impossible! It's a disease that parrots suffer from".
She insists that she has psittacosis and wants to be examined. He duly does so and says "As I said, you don't have psittacosis, but I can see that you ha...

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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Three hookers were sitting at a bar.

The first one said: "I can get three fingers up my fanny." And proceedes to demonstrate this to the other two. The second one laughed and said " That's nothing. I can get a whole fist up mine." And she duly obliged to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.

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Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

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My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

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At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says;

"To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there's a twist! As you can see there's also three huge alligators and...

Before he could finish his sentence there's a huge splash and co...

The Dunne Family

Some years ago, in the hills above Killarney, there lived Seamus and Isobel Dunne and their family of 6 boys.


It was a happy but isolated existence, so it came as a bit of a shock when eldest son Niel announced that he was off to seek his fortune amongst the bright lights of London. His...

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

So a fellow is walking along the beach...

...and he finds a lamp. "Oh boy," thinks he, and rubs the lamp. Out pops a very angry looking genie. "I am the divorce genie! You get three wishes, but for whatever you wish, I will grant your ex-wife double!"

The fellow thinks a bit. First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Second, he wishe...

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"Medical" examination

"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a ...

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

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A man wanted his wife murdered

So he approached an assassin named Arti. He told Arti "I do not have money, but once the bitch's dead, I'd collect the insurance payout and pay you." Arti replied "Fine, but surely you can pay me $5 as advance payment?" The husband agreed and duly paid the $5.

The next day, Arti tailed the ma...

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Two mercenaries

Two mercenaries are lost in an African jungle. They are caught by tribesmen and brought before their chief.
The chief says "choose your punishment . Either Zhinga la la or death. "
The first mercenary thinks to himself that anything is better than death. He says "I choose Zhinga la la."
...

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Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelli...

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The once was a Mob Boss

There once was a Mob Boss who employed a Jewish accountant who only spoke Yiddish. Despite the language barrier, the Mobster was satisfied with the guys work. That is until one year he decided to check the books and found he was short 2 million dollars.

So the mob boss sent out two goons to b...

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. ...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

A citizen of Moscow went into a restaurant

A citizen of Moscow went into a restaurant and ordered: "Borsht, veal cutlets, rhubarb pie, a cup of coffee....oh and a copy of Pravda please."

"Certainly," said the waiter, "we have all that you have ordered except Pravda. That newspaper ceased publication when the old Communist regime colla...

Visit to local gun shop

So I went to stay in the US and started getting used to the American way of life...
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After a few months of staying there, I thought I should have a personal handgun as well.
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Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. 
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So, today I wen...

A man, a terrible worrier and procrastinator, is sitting with his doctor, anxiously discussing the results of a medical...

After an hour or more of waiting and hesitating and prevaricating and generally delaying the inevitable, finally the man draws a deep breath.

"Look doc - my chances - can't you tell me without telling me?"

The doctor looks at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Well," says the...

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Christmas eve pet store purchase

A guy frantically runs to the pet store on christmas eve and go's up to the owner-

Guy - I'm needing a puppy for my wife for christmas. I know I've left it late but can you please help!?

Store Owner - sorry son. your shit out of luck it being christmas eve n all, the cute pets are all ...

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Restaurant Productivity Enhancer

A man gets seated at a restaurant and accidentally knocks a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table. The man is impressed: "Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?" The waiter replies, "Yes. Management conducted a...

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

I just made one sale

A keen indian state bank manager, left the job and applied for a sales man job at london's premier downtowrn department store. In fact which was the biggest store in the world - You could get anything there.

The boss asked him "Have you ever been an salesman before? Yes Sir, I was a saleman i...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

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Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

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