UPJOKE
ectespblaetolikdontsistyurdatsjoscrasthbrinanesic

Caus Jokes

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.

What caused The Black Death?

The police.

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor whether masturbation causes poor eyesight.

He said: “you’re in Walmart Sir”

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Beer flavoured Lube that is 6.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much sex can actually lead to memory loss!

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

I went to a website about causes of obesity.

A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.

People in cars cause accidents.

Accidents in cars cause people.

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

Just had a mini freak out cause I realized I lost all sense of taste.

I was browsing the front page and chuckled at an /r/jokes post.

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party?

You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"

I found out how vaccines cause autism,

Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

Man: He died of natural causes

Judge: You pushed him off a building

Man: Gravity is natural

What causes certain people to become furries ?

Furomones

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,

which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women say my dick is so big it's causing me anxiety (NSFW)

I don't think I'll ever fit in.

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

We caused 2020

Do you guys remember for the last few years that one post that was like "man can't wait for 2020 so I can say I have 2020 vision"

... this is how 2020 payed us back.

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my mate that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.

"That's a bit harsh!!" he said.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control " I replied.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.

I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

The Pfizer vaccine can cause near-complete loss of eyesight

Don't miss your second shot.

I woke up this morning and could only see a bootscreen asking for the CD code after expiration of the free trial period.

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

The bus crash that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

What do you call it when pigs cause the end of the world?

The aporkalypse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness."

Son replys "Dad I'm over here."

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farmhand how many chickens were left.

“16 chickens, sir.”

“Alright, round them up, please.”

“20 chickens, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Smoking cannabis and drinking codeine infused solutions causes temporary memory loss and identity confusion among young lyrical artists.

That's why new rappers are always asking "What's my motherfucking name, y'all!"

I called my mum and told her not to worry cause I was in the hospital

She said you're a goddamn doctor and it wasn't funny the first time!

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

Climate change is causing people to move into hilly and mountainous regions

According to one expert on YouTube it is plain unsettling.

What caused the skunk to unload his scent?

Instinct

("in stink" original joke from my seven year old).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Johnny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”

and the teacher fainted.

Someone asked me what the word for inflicting pain or causing a lot of damage is. I said I couldn't tell them.

Because violence is never the answer

You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent....

That just means urine on the joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch

My son was crying cause his mother didn't let him buy a ps5

I spent the whole night consoling him

What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat

My-grain

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman driver cause an accident today.

She indicated that she was turning right and then actually fucking turned right.

A man had a workplace accident which caused him to lose one of his ear.

He had no choice but to get a ear prosthetic to replace his lost ear. However, he seemed to be a completely changed person, from his mannerisms to his personality. His colleague finally caved and asked him one day: "Hey, why have you changed so much since the accident?". To which he replied:
...

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

Wanna cause a local drought

Tell your date your broke

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

Two factors that cause the spread of COVID-19

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.